Monday, June 28, 2010

The Big Day Approacheth - i.e., I'll Try Not To Permanently Scar You With My Sex Knowledge

My eldest daughter, B, will be entering middle school in late August. Not sure how it works outside of NV, but middle school is where the magic happens. Puberty hits and there's a bit more laxness in your child's schedule and BAM! Sex! Alcohol! Badness! More badness!

I think I've done pretty well on the alcohol front. And the school is very anti-mood-altering-drug. And, luckily, her friends are pretty straight edge. I'm really not all that worried about alcohol. We've had conversations about it, most of the questions have been asked, and I think right now, it is all good. The knowledge has been imparted.

Now, for the sex...


I actually broke into a sweat. Just now.

I really don't want to eff this up. Impart knowledge without making it sound too clinical. The clinical part will be the easiest. I can talk about that stuff any day of the week. But explain what stuff feels like and share experiences? That's what's gonna kill me.

It is so very necessary though. I have been hearing some scary shit from teachers I drink with. And from parents with 13yo daughters in 8th grade. I've become very good at dealing with hypervenilation. When another parent talks about finding her 13yo son in bed with his girlfriend who's 11, you tend to not find enough oxygen in the room. Uh uh.

We already had the masturbation talk. I did pretty well, but she totally wanted to die a horrid self-immolation death. Right. On. The. Spot. I can understand why. It was sprung on her. There were a few improprieties at a sleepover and the attending parent kinda freaked out. Scorched earth and all that. Kinda like that scene in Johnny Dangerously, where he makes his kid brother watch the video about exploding balls? Yeah, so I had to try and address the parent's response and explain that masturbation is natural, blah, blah, feels good, blah, blah, but private, blah, blah, blah. Good times.

So I have been prepping her for this for a few months now. Taking out the spontaneity, cutting down on the shock. And we will be doing it in various parts all during the summer. So we focus on her body, and then a boy's. And then the various acts. And then contraceptives. And then harassment, partner/peer pressures and, finally, rape.

Don't get me wrong. Part of me wants to scare the ever-loving hell out of her about sex. And it wouldn't be that hard. Her 15yo cousin is pregnant with twins. People within her immediate familial circle have had to deal with rape and sexual abuse. Sex can permanently scar you. Tear holes in your psyche. Crush your self-confidence. At the least, sex makes you vulnerable.

But that vulnerability is what makes it so great. You literally open yourself up to another person. It is scary but so very powerful. Especially if it is done right. It is the basis for one of the most integral relationships you'll ever have. Can be the most emotive way to express love physically. And, seriously, it is just damn fun.

So, I must express all this while teetertottering between scaring the shit out of her and giving her cues that is it ok to be a whore. I honestly don't have alot of fears about her becoming promiscuious. Mostly, I'm afraid I will scare her too much. Instead of using a scapel for the job, I'll use Gallagher's Mallet. Watermelon everywhere.

So this week, I'll be buying some books soon with cartoon illustrations (I'm not ready for actual pictures) and setting up some biweekly quiet time. And, hope to Christ, I can be delicate for once in my life. And then get ready to repeat it all over again in 3 years.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

101 in 1001 - Status Update 06/24/10

Captain's Log... heh.

So it has been 2 months since my last update. I'm still plugging along. I need to focus on making some headway with a few pending goals, like painting and closet organizers, mainly because I have purchased everything, now I just need to labor a bit.

But here are the current standings:

10 - Volunteer 100 hours. My company bought into a charity poker event for Northern Nevada Children's Cancer Foundation. There were about 160 participants. And I was #22 when I went out. So close! I actually had a bit of a following afterwards. Strangers came up and thanked me for a good show. Pretty sweet. I played* for about 5 hours.
*and by played, I mean I yelled "I got a pair!" everytime one was dealt by the dealer, flirted with all of the guys at my table and drank.

11 - Donate to every charity that asks. Jade had a birthday request to have everyone donate $30 to The Sold Project instead of getting her a gift for her 30th b-day. So I happily oblidged.
Pee ess, Ron I need the link to your page.

19 - Send out birthday cards - on time. I sent cards to my nephew, Connor, and my mom. Still not quite making it "on-time". Got to improve that.

23 - Spend 4 weekends in Fernley. I made it out for a full day last week for a baby shower and then followed by an afternoon playing cribbage and Settlers of Catan. I am finding entire weekends are really difficult due to all of the awesome summer activites. So, I will start chalking up 1/2 weekends.

30 - Go to one local event a month. Speaking of awesome summer activities... On 5/8, The fam went to the Reno Runamuck. We had a 4 person team called Chic Geeks. We ran a 5K obstacle relay race dressed as the most adorable set of nerds you ever did see. The girls, my daughter, B, and her friend, Maya, entered the costume contest and made the finals. They got a huge "Awww!" when they came on stage. As for the actual race we came in 3rd from last. Boo-ya! In June we did 2 events. On 6/6, I went to the Reno Eurofest. Great beer but WAY too much polka. And last weekend the girls and I went to the Reno Rodeo. Mmmm...Corndogs, cotton candy, and cowboys....

33 - Go to 25 Live sporting events. Made another Aces game. Got there early enough to get a free jersey and was the first game I wanted to not end early. Warm perfect weather and great company.

34 - Read 5 new authors. I read Light A Penny Candle, by Maeve Binchy. And hated it. It was recommended by a friend. Perfect example of the variances in peoples' tastes. Because I know she'd hate The Road.

Most of these are small pieces of greater goals. But I did actually complete one goal in these last 2 months.

96 - Pay off the van. So that Salvation Army truck that plowed into me? Netted me enough money to pay off my car 2 months early. My car now has major body damage on all but one side and is even more recognizable by anyone that knows me. And I am getting more and more freelance body repair offers ("I can do it real cheap!"). But I wouldn't have it any other way.

So I am hoping to complete a few other projects, maybe this weekend. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Random Musings of a Sleep-Deprived Accountant

For the last 6 weeks, I think I have averaged about 6 hours of sleep a night. Not a problem, usually. I've been thru Mommy Boot Camp. I am well-versed in functioning in a partial stupor. But the last 2 nights? Only about 3-4 hours of sleep. And I totally did it to myself.

Monday night was a horror movie marathon with a pretty boy. We watched Let The Right One In, Fido and Zombieland. We are in a competition to see who can come up with the most obscure/disturbing/funny horror movie. So far? I am kicking his ass.

(Side note? If I don't get kissed soon, I may start attacking random strangers. Just sayin'.)

The next one one the list? Bad Biology. I am pretty sure this one will shame him into conceding the title forever to me. He may never be the same again. Of course, he is hanging out with me...

And then last night? I played Fallout 3 for hours. Lord, I love that game. I am 3 levels from topping out, and I still have 60% of the game left. Ha. My character is "Very Good". I think after I finish this, I will try it out being evil. I will kill everyone.
... No, I am not a sociopath.

(Side note? The Killers' Mr. Brightside? Makes me very happy when I hear it.)

(Did I also mention that my boss is gone to Paris for 2 weeks? So. Hard. To. Be Productive.)

And it has FINALLY warmed up. Last night, before the gaming, I met up with Becky and we sat out side and had some Wyder's Pear Cyder, the girliest of all beers. Hard to diss it though, because when you're hot, that shit is gewd.

As of right now, I have no plans for tonight. No, scratch that. I need to get pet food. That's it. I mean, I have chores, but I am going to blatantly ignore them. It is nice to realize that with your washer and dryer broken (my washer and dryer are broken, BTW), you can go into survival mode with your clothes. Like tha pants I am wearing this week? All recycled from last week. Sexy, eh?

(Did you know that drinking coffee can reduce chances of getting liver cancer by 41%? That's awesome, cause I torture my liver. Every. Single. Day.)

So I get my brand spanking new, high-tech, oo-la-la washer and dryer on Saturday. I might actually get a little excited about laundry. You know, for about 23 mins.

(Melissa Etheridge's I Will Never Be The Same also makes me happy. My iPod is not failing me today. I think having someone write you a song, or sing to you is one of the most romantic actions ever. Even if it is a "Homeless Joe" on the corner. Not to be confused with a "Walkaway Joe".)

But hopefully with the new equipment, it won't take me 80 mins of drying time per medium load. For some reason, to me, that sounded a little dirty. Heh heh, you said "load".

(So Dashboard Confessions has the only awesome "Jaimi" song. So much better than Ray Parker Jr's.)

So yeah, no real plans this week except to avoid all semblance of housework until maybe Sunday. Oh, wait, no, I have a softball double header Thursday night. Can I just say? This season, I have sucked less than ever before. And that is saying ALOT. No official strike outs, scored once, covering home plate better... Yeah, so let's hope I can maintain it thru Thursday night.

(Seth Rogan makes me happy. I love the funny guys. And now he's gonna be the Green Hornet? ~Le Sigh~)

And to finish, I need to relax this week. Maybe get a few more hours of sleep, soak up some more sun, and drink a few beers. Cause the girls are back on Monday and they have been wearing me out!

(Flashdance and Footloose soundtracks will forever have a special place in my heart. I always confuse "Take your passion! and Make it happen! with "Take your pants off! Make it happen!")

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

A Year Ago...A Year From Now

As stated before, I will blog upon request. This is from my coworker, A.

A year ago...

I had been at my job for a year. I had just received my first bonus and can I just say? DAMN!

Luckily, this was perfect timing, because I had also just closed and moved into my house. 3 bedroom, 2 bath palace. Dang, I love that house.

I also had just ended a long term relationship (about 9 months) and was single again. And technically, I've been single ever since, only having one relationship last longer than 4 weeks. Footloose and fancy free, that is me.

My oldest, B, had just finished 4th grade and was getting ready to be the BIG kid of The Elementary. My youngest, E, finished her first full year of school and made the transistion well. Both girls played soccer and I stepped into Soccer Mom status relatively easily.

I wore glasses and was training to complete 4 half marathons in the next 6 months.

A year from now...

I will be 2 years away from 3 weeks of vacation at work. It will also be the longest I had been at a job...ever. Ha.

My house will have had all of the flooring replaced. And the interior will have been finished being painted. Also, the occupants of the house will have doubled. Me, B, and E plus 3 pets, Raven, Harley & Tyson.

Relationship-wise, I would hope I will have settled down a bit. Although the idea of marriage still makes me twitch, I would like a sidekick... in the sack. Heh.

B may have started puberty by then. Every year this is delayed, I am happy. She will also have finished her first year in middle school, and be heading into 7th. I think I had my first taste of alcohol in the 7th grade... Thinking about this is giving me hives. E will be heading into 4th and may get her first Valentine's card with a gift. I will then take it upon myself to terrify the living hell outta that boy. Gotta stay in practice.

I will have gone on my first cruise and been on foreign land for the first time. Let's hope no one throws me overboard. I will be 35 therefore making the idea of having any more children significantly more dangerous.


As for now, I know I have been blessed. With good fortune, good healthy and happiness for me and my family. I just hope I will be as blessed next year.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


It has finally come. This morning, I almost lost it. I looked out the windows and saw a cloudy low-hanging sky. It was wispy on the mountains and all I could think was, "It's gonna FUCKING snow."

I was pissed. PISSED. I layered up. I brushed my hair furiously. My teeth were not spared in the brutal assault. I almost kicked the cat. I stomped outside hoping something else would present itself for a well-placed kick...

And it was balmy. BALMY!


Today at lunch, a coworker and I walked to our respective banks. Spent about 45 mins outside. And I got kinda sweaty. My soul rejoices in the warmth. Albeit, so do my sweat glands. But mainly, my soul!

Rejoice with me. Just don't smell me.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Hair Pulling 101

I'm not sure how it all happened, but about 3 years ago on a wine trip to Eldorado County in California, I garnered a reputation as a great hair puller.

Odd, right?

Having had super thick hair all my life, I have had to toughen up my head. And one of the best feelings ever, is having my hair played with. Wanna hear me actually purr? Run your fingers thru my hair. *sigh*

My knowledge was greatly expanded about 6 years ago. I went down to San Diego to help my baby sister find salons to get her hair done for her wedding. One place gave us up-dos. Used a bagillion bobby pins. But in order for the stylst to get ALL of our hair tamed she had to cinch it all down. I have never had my hair pulled so tight before. It was... strangely relaxing. I had had a headache and it went away with a well-placed tug. It was so great, that we left our hair up in those bobby pins for 2 nights. On the 3rd night we drank redbull and vodkas and counted to see how many total were used. I think it took use 2 hours to find them all. I won at 166.

So this experience taught me the mastery of pulling hair. Ha. Mastery! Anyways, at this drunken wine event, I proceeded to pull every chick's hair. You would think this would have gotten me beaten up. But alas, I have been asked ever since to demonstrate my "technique".

Seriously. On complete strangers.

Anywho, I was talking with a gf about how people (read: boys) alway do it, and they do it wrong. It actually hurts and ruins what could be a great moment. And she ordered me to post a tutorial. A nonvisual tutorial, mind you. And I am forever following orders...

Step 1: Make sure she wants her hair pulled.

Seems simple, right? Wrong. I once had a boy try to make me kiss him. When I shied away, he grabbed my hair and tried to really make me. I believe I nailed him in the balls to stop.

Step 2: Where you pull is very important.

If you reach back to your own neck, you can feel where the tendons run up to your scalp. If you run your fingers up so the base of the palm of your hand is resting on those tendons, that's as high as you want to go. Any higher and it gets into the headache inducing regions. Also do not splay out your fingers extra wide. If you grab all of the little hairs with your thumb and pinky, you are just causing pain.

Step 3: Your grip is important.

We know you are strong. You don't have to grab and squeeze really tight. You know that grip you have on a bat before you swing? Firm but not clamped down? That's about the right amount of force needed. Please take note, this is with curvy thick hair. The finer the hair, the less of a grip you need. Seriously, if you let go and there are strands of hair caught in your fingers? Rethink the grip.

Step 4: Don't hold on for more than 10 seconds.

Goes against the grain to last only 10 seconds, huh? Until your partner is comfortable with you, you are not going to want to exceed this. Think of it like acupressure. You don't find a nerve ending and hold pressure on it for so long the pain and tension come back. There is tension already residing in her neck, and you pull long enough for the tingles to start and leave her with that.

And that's it.

Now go forth and... yank?