tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41591494156760375232024-03-14T10:14:42.950-07:00Different Shit, Different DayThe musings of a stagnant office workerJaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-18782389403137802392011-10-18T08:46:00.000-07:002011-10-18T08:46:43.855-07:00So The Wedding Ceremony I Performed Yesterday Went WellThis was my script:<br />
<br />
"Taara and Ray, after loving and caring for this woman for 18 years, do you give her hands to Andrew as a sign of trust that he will do the same?"<br />
<br />
<br />
Today we celebrate the best of what it means to be human. Today we celebrate love. <br />
<br />
Marriage is a bold step into an unknown future. It is risking who we are for the sake of who we can be.<br />
<br />
Andrew and Sabrina are not new to this love. They have been together for years, and have already created a beautiful family with Aron and Evan. <br />
<br />
Rather than using marriage as a way of starting a new relationship, they are choosing to celebrate what has already begun and will continue to grow for years to come.<br />
<br />
A successful marriage is not something that just happens. It takes work, it takes understanding, and it takes time. It takes a commitment from both of you... a commitment to do whatever it takes to make your relationship thrive and not just simply survive. <br />
<br />
You all were invited here to share this rare moment with Andrew and Sabrina because you are the people who mean the most to them. The understanding and the mutual respect which they bring to their continuing life together had their roots in the love and friendship and guidance you have given them. They are honored to have you here. <br />
<br />
(directed to Andrew and Sabrina)<br />
On behalf of everyone here today,<br />
we promise to always stand beside you, never between you,<br />
offering our love and support, not our judgment.<br />
And may we return to you the love you have given us,<br />
The love that has brought us together here today;<br />
And may it grow deeper and sweeter with each passing year.<br />
<br />
I would like to take this moment to read an excerpt from Madeleine L’Engle’s Irrational Season.<br />
<br />
"But ultimately there comes a moment when a decision must be made. Ultimately two people who love each other must ask themselves how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how much risk they are willing to take. It is indeed a fearful gamble. Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.<br />
<br />
To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take. If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent; into that love which is not possession, but participation. It takes a lifetime to learn another person. When love is not possession, but participation, then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and which implies such risk that it is often rejected."<br />
<br />
May I have the rings please?<br />
<br />
Let these beautiful rings serve as a physical reminder of the feeling you have in your hearts at this very moment. There are times in life that we tend to focus the things we have not yet accomplished, there will also be times of great loss. Yet as you look at your wedding band, it will softly speak of the great gift that you have been given and all that you have in one another. It shall also be a reminder in the times of great joy, that you have someone to share it with. Never again will you walk alone.<br />
<br />
Groom:<br />
<br />
I, Andrew Allen Buist, take you,Sabrina Ann Nichols, as my friend and love, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and in tears, in conflict and tranquility, asking that you be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not know yet, in all the ways that life may find us.<br />
<br />
The Groom places the Bride’s ring on her finger and says:<br />
<br />
I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you with my whole heart<br />
<br />
Bride:<br />
<br />
I, Sabrina Ann Nichols, take you, Andrew Allen Buist, as my friend and love, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and in tears, in conflict and tranquility, asking that you be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not know yet, in all the ways that life may find us.<br />
<br />
The Bride places the Groom’s ring on his finger and says:<br />
<br />
I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honor you with my whole heart<br />
<br />
I would like to close with a small excerpt from Dr. Suess’ Oh The Places You Will Go. <br />
<br />
"Congratulations!<br />
Today is your day.<br />
You’re off to Great Places!<br />
You’re off and away!<br />
You have brains in your head.<br />
You have feet in your shoes.<br />
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.<br />
You’re on your own. <br />
And you know what you know. <br />
And YOU are the guys who’ll decide where to go.<br />
You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” <br />
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.<br />
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. <br />
In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air. <br />
Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.<br />
And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.<br />
Oh! The Places You’ll Go!<br />
You’ll be on your way up!<br />
You’ll be seeing great sights!<br />
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.<br />
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. <br />
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. <br />
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest."<br />
<br />
Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my privilege to present to you for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Andrew and Sabrina Buist.<br />
<br />
You may now kiss the bride.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-1571684011749780702011-10-07T12:22:00.000-07:002011-10-07T12:25:21.269-07:00Let Get Caught Up, Shall We?Ok, the turmoil that was my personal life has ended for the time being. My last relationship had me pushing myself past boundaries that I have never crossed. Emotionally, ethically, physically, I grew. And expanded and found my limits. I don't think I had ever made myself test everything so thoroughly before. It was cathartic, but I'm so relieved it is over. Now, I can approach life and personal relationships in a more healthy manner.<br />
<br />
It is amazing to me that I hadn't done this til now. I have a healthy respect for anarchy, but was always timid about embracing it. But the last year had me breaking SO many rules in the pursuit for information and personal expression. I don't think I ever cried so much or allowed others to be hurt by me. I'm normally so careful and considerate of the stronger emotions that can rule a person's life, but last year, I just threw that filter out. I crossed lines, said things that were brutally honest and allowed for personal error in so many ways. And the tests I gave myself, I mostly failed in. But because of all the darkness, it made it so much easier for me to pick out the bright spots in me and in my life. And appreciate more the smaller circle I chose to spend my time in.<br />
<br />
And because this post is a bit deep and life would be incomplete without it, I give you random shit.<br />
<br />
<br />
I am officiating my niece's wedding. <br />
...<br />
Watching movies while sitting on the lap of the current beau gives me tingles in my pants.<br />
...<br />
I have a keg in my garage just waiting to be tapped.<br />
...<br />
I'm excited that my kids are aging faster than they can make new carseat laws, so I don't have to put them in one.<br />
...<br />
My friend, Lisa, may be my soulmate of the platonic kind.<br />
...<br />
Your mom is random.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-46200145363442904132011-03-11T16:50:00.000-08:002011-03-11T16:50:17.240-08:00I Think My Ass Is Numb; aka Paperless Has Made My Office Chair CryWe have a new process at work. We are now paperless. Woot, Woot!<br />
<br />
Why "woot, woot!" you say? It means that everything I need is accessible from my computer. When I make Journal Entries, there is no getting up to get the print-outs. When I need to research an invoice or line item? I don't get up, because it is all stored electronically.<br />
<br />
I have been pushing for this since I started and just a couple of months ago, it was approved and just recently implemented.<br />
<br />
And now? My ass and feet are perpetually numb. Because I never get up. Unless it is to chitchat. Which looks kinda bad, but I figure at this point, medically necessary. At least, that's what I tell my boss. <br />
<br />
So I need some ideas on why to exit my seat. I can drink more water and pee more, but after awhile? All that peeing gets lame. <br />
<br />
Do any of you have any ideas?Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-48735902341012721742011-03-08T11:51:00.000-08:002011-03-08T11:51:48.191-08:00I'm BoredBo-red.<br />
<br />
Something is missing. That sparks, that interest. Something.<br />
<br />
Mostly, I feel it at work. The various tasks I do are non-challenging. Difficult, but uninteresting. I plod along. Dragging ass most days.<br />
<br />
It is like there is a missing flavor. Life tastes bland. The missing flavor is no pride in my work. <br />
<br />
This is dangerous time for me. I need to get myself back into action, because when I get like this, I end up making mistakes and that compounds my displeasure in these tasks causing a shitty snowball effect.<br />
<br />
These times are what make me think I may have a disease, like ADD. Focusing right now is the most difficult task I could undertake.<br />
<br />
Or to make it seem romantic - I think I will start telling people, I have ennui. A pretty french word pronounced '<span class="pron">ahn-<span class="boldface">wee'.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="pron"><span class="boldface">All I know is what I am feeling is not new. And I know I've gotten myself out of it before. And I will again, but at what price?</span></span>Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-67960499165086948582011-03-04T10:12:00.000-08:002011-03-04T10:12:07.354-08:00It been 17 years and a DaySince I last posted. <br />
<br />
I. Am. A. Total. Slacker.<br />
<br />
Actually, it is mainly because when I write I tend to expose myself. Not in the "Here's my ass. Again." way. But in the personal aspects about my life way. And lately, I've been wanting to keep some things to myself. I wanted to be selfish and not share. <br />
<br />
But the need to write pulls at me again and I am unable to be completely silent.<br />
<br />
So let's get back in the sadlle and ride this pony.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-24181588805456658732011-01-28T13:16:00.000-08:002011-01-28T13:44:22.093-08:00I Have Chemically Induced Adult ADD Today. Bad.I seriously can't sit still.<br />
<br />
I think is REALLY has to do with the fact I had to get $10 out for B for an afterschool bowling adventure and instead of paying an ATM fee, I went to QuikStop and got an IrishStyle Java Monster. And drank it all before getting to work.<br />
<br />
JAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVAJAVA<br />
<br />
Since I stopped mainlining caffeine everyday, and just abuse it for recreational purposes (about once a week), caffeine has grown into epic proportions of fun!<br />
<br />
WOOOOOOO<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
I just finished the final deets on my b-day party, which is in 3 weeks. Sent out the Evite and now waiting for responses. I love Evites. I love "Yes, I'm Attending" responses from Evite. They make me super happy.<br />
<br />
And I just got a "Yes"! It's been 3 mins. Awesome.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
I finally sent out my niece and nephew's Xmas cards with gift. And my nephew's Bday card. I have been sucking ass with the gift promptness. Hell, I still need to get my dad an Xmas gift. At least I'm narrowing down what to get him... Man, I'm lame. <br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
My oldest is turning 12 and wants an electric scooter for her Bday present. I am researching them and the one she wants is really for 13 and over. It goes 15mph for about 45 mins. A bit more than I think she can handle, but the weight limit is 220lbs (as opposed to 150lbs for the smaller one) which means I could ride it... so she's getting the bigger one. ;-)<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
I have no idea what I want for my birthday. I love gifts (who doesn't!) but I really don't need anything. And the random stuff I want? Very few people get what I like. Hell, I usually don't know till I see it, and then once it is outta sight, it's so outta mind. But it would be nice to be surprised by something this year.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
So this troop leader business is kinda kicking my butt. Presales for cookies are deadlined for today and I have yet to even try and sell any. Ha! Ok, let's take a quick break and send out that email...<br />
<br />
Done! Ok, now let's hope I get some responses.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
As of the last blood donation, I have donated 12 times which is 1.5 gallons of blood. That actually sounds pretty disgusting. Ha. But if you think of it, I may have saved up to 36 lives. Which is pretty awesome. One bad thing? They test your cholesterol. And mine went from not good to really bad in 6 months. And I'm almost positive it is because I haven't been exercising. At. All. So, I am upping my vitamins and taking the Cholestoff that my doc recommended. It is messing with my tummy quite a bit, but part of the deal. <br />
<br />
And now I need to get moving. My shoes are shot, so I need to get a new pair first, otherwise I will be flirting with an injury I don't need. But that should stop me from going to the gym once in a while and start hoofing it. I really need to get off my lazy ass.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
And I think I'm done. Time to eat lunch.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-36045730075810280922011-01-17T15:54:00.000-08:002011-01-17T15:54:44.371-08:00Is That A Pube Hair Sticking Outta My Sweater?I have alot of hair. A whole heckuva lot. And I shed it everywhere. It is all over the bathroom, all over my shower wall, bedroom floor, van sideboards, desk chair at work, everywhere.<br />
<br />
Always makes me think of Gattaca, the movie where they test DNA all the time. They would have false positives NAMED afte me, I've no doubt. "Oh, sorry, looks like you were trying to get intel on that cute guy at work... but you grabbed Random Subject 47... again."<br />
<br />
So inevitably, when I wash my clothes, the hair weaves into my sweaters. And after a few washes the hair loses the fabulous texture it normally is. Today, as I was pulling various strands from my sweater (You know you are so jealous of me right now), I came across one that was very wiry and coarse. All I could think about was, how did this pubic hair get into my sweater!? Then I realized that this hair could only be Crystal Gayle's pube due to the length. <br />
<br />
What does this mean? That I do not only have to worry about leaving my trace evidence all over other people's abodes, NOW I have to worry about people finding my hair and thinking it's my giant pube.<br />
<br />
Awesome.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-36017321153415238062011-01-05T09:34:00.001-08:002011-01-05T10:13:06.050-08:00My Loathing of Mom JeansIf you can remember back inthe day, there was no such thing as low-rise jeans. They were all Natural Waist jeans with tight ankles, aka mom jeans. Or if you were lucky they had pleats at the waist. *shudder* Goddamn, I fucking hated those jeans.<br /><br />You seriously couldn't find any other jeans anywhere. At least not on my parents budget, nor would my mom have the time for me to do a marathon Jeans-Shopping-Session. So I actually wore boy jeans. Sure I had a space in my crotch for a dong, but at least they sat lower on my waist. Whereas the mom jeans buttoned almost exactly an inch under my breasts. AN. INCH.<br /><br />A few years after E was born, we were living across the street from the mall, and I found I had a few hours free on a weekend. So I trudged to the mall determined to find a brand of jeans that fit. I had dropped quite a bit of weight and was in serious need of clothes that didn't fall off or were made of stretchy cotton blends.<br /><br />I decided to start with expensive jeans and work my way down to the cheaper brands. Hit the GAP, Express, and slowly downgraded to Sears and JCP. I was so depressed, because there was nothing that fit. Being short yet curvy was like having AB- blood. It had seriously been like 5 hours of trying on jeans and I figured I would hit up one more section - the Junior section of JCP. It was seriously my last hope and I had no real hope to find anything, because I wasn't a scrawny little "Junior" anymore. Actually, I had NEVER been a scrawny little "Junior".<br /><br />Low and behold, I discovered my first pair of low-rise jeans. It was like a revelation. Jeans that actually hit me at my belly button for once, instead of 3 inches above it. My thighs encapsulated comfortably, crotch of the jeans hitting me where it should - no dong space to account for, and SHORT. They actually hit me right instead of being a few inches past my toes!<br /><br />I still had no real shirts that fit me right, or bras that I didn't have to special order, but I finally had a pair of jeans that fit! And they were only $20 a pop!<br /><br />I realized I would never have to wear mom jeans again. It may have been one of my life's greatest joys. You know, right after the births of my babies or, say, graduating college.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-38151350967451028592010-12-28T09:04:00.000-08:002010-12-28T15:03:42.106-08:002011 New Year's ResolutionsI know most people choose to give up something negative for the year to come. This just seems like a plan doomed to failure. At least for me it is, since I have absolutely no willpower.<br /><br />Seriously, I have none. I do not buy anything I can unhealthily snack on, so that when the munchies hit, I'm forced to eat carrots. The kids would love Nutella on toast in the morning, but I have found that I will finger that jar clean in about a week. So my house has no cookies, no ice cream, no cake, no brownies, no regular soda. It is a barren wasteland with no desserts.<br /><br />So I decided a few years back to not tell myself, "No, you must refrain from..." Instead I tell myself, "If you like this, let's make a goal to do more of it."<br /><br />So this year, I need to find something I like and do more of it.<br /><br />Thing is? I have no idea what that'd be.<br /><br />This is actually more of a problem than I thought. Normally, I can see what's in front of me and go for it. I have goals and goals and more goals. Ambition is not new to me. Working harder to get what I want and making sacrifices, these things are not hard for me.<br /><br />But to state for others to hear, or read, that I want more of something? This is hard. This makes me cringe and feel like I am exposing myself. I would much rather just be given what I want without having to ask for it. Or I can work towards it, and achieve it.<br /><br />But I can't ask you to give it to me.<br /><br />So this will be my New Year's Resolution. When I find I want something, starting off as simple as passing the salt or what I'd REALLY like for a birthday present, I will practice stating my desires and needs.<br /><br />See what I did there? I made it another goal. Haha.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-5927684632533064072010-12-22T16:44:00.000-08:002010-12-22T16:59:57.208-08:00I Divorced Mr. RightThis is the message I received Tuesday morning at work:<br /><br /><span style="color:#660000;"><em>"Do you notice how many e-mails I send that are titled “stuff”?<br />Yeah, not much creativity in my titling here. Oh well.<br />Anyway, I wanted to tell you how awesome you are, and how glad I am to have you as an ex-wife. Really, I’m not saying this sarcastically. I’m really glad that we can all take the kids to do stuff, and that we don’t get all butt hurt when we pick on each other. I feel really lucky to have you in my life. This morning I just felt I should tell you that. I don’t know why, and no, I’m not joining a religion. I just want you to know you are appreciated."</em></span><br /><br />I have the absolute best ex-husband in the world. He is an awesome father to our 2 girls, a loving companion, a valuable addition to society and I can't ever imagine being married to him again. Because married? We sucked.<br /><br />That whole adage, "Marry your best friend"? Great idea. Because if it ends, you should be able to go back to that friendship with minor adjustments.<br /><br />We were the bestest of friends, sharing Big Gulps while playing Doom until the wee hours, me offering him grooming advice to make him more attractive to the ladies, him helping me with my car issues.<br /><br />Fast forward 13 years, and I'm living alone, happiest I've been in a few years, and we are back to being friends, but now with the addition of children. Having that separation has made me a better person and mother. The stress level is down and I can grow unhindered. And it is the same for him. He's been in a relationship for over 3 years now, more grounded and content.<br /><br />So this holiday season, I am grateful for him and our evolving friendship. He's the best partner I could have ever asked for that I refuse to live with ever again.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-77222728179296727162010-12-21T08:58:00.000-08:002010-12-21T14:37:12.127-08:00Bathroom EtiquetteI have relaxed my bathroom tendencies quite a bit. Thanks to marathoning where an entire hour can be spent discussing peeing strategies on the course, toilet paper shortages and to not to eat broccoli before a race due to it's extra fiber. So my sensitivities to the topic has greatly relaxed. But not so much that I'm completely open to it in workplace.<br /><br />In our building, the 3rd floor men's bathroom is right at the top of the stairs. And when you are coming in, there are sometimes, where you will inadvertantly catch a guy with his back to the door. And the pee hitting the urinal is audible. Oh well, pee happens. <br /><br />But if I accidentantly bump into you coming out of the bathroom, don't stop in the doorway and chitchat with me, door open, while another dude is peeing. <br /><br />Bet you can guess which coworker this was...Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-81815473263579401692010-12-20T21:42:00.000-08:002010-12-20T23:30:53.400-08:00Musings, again.I had a dream about an old friend last night. Not THAT kind of dream. It was the kind where you haven't seen them in months, even years, and suddenly you are trying to run across town with them as your sidekick. Or finish a spreadsheet at work, and they are distracting you. <br /><br />(Yes, I have those dreams. Shut up.)<br /><br />The last time I saw him was at a local bar. And, honestly, we are no longer friends, not like it was before when we spent so much time together. There at the bar, there was karaoke and beer. Good, but shallow, times. But I will always remember one Halloween night with him. An experience we shared that meant nothing but was striking enough to be unforgettable.<br /><br />He came over to get ready for Halloween. I was already dressed in a fridged flapper dress, but he still needed help. He and his GF were going to be Ho and Pimp, respectively. Nothing like getting a call asking if he should buy the skintight purple snakeskin jeans or not for the costume. He arrived and got partially dressed. And seeing him sitting on my toilet seat without a shirt and in those pants? I felt a forbidden little thrill. What can I say, I've been into the kink.<br /><br />My job was to make him a pretty as he could get - dressed as a woman. At first I was giggling uncontrollably. Here was my best guy friend with a goatee, wanting me to line his eyes and apply lipstick. But soon it sobered up in the bathroom and the light touches of gaudy eyeshadow and blush, thick eyeliner, caked on mascara and shiny red lipstick, only slightly distracted me from that fact that I was straddling his knee. It was oddly erotic. Using my beauty tools on a man was a dirty little thrill. Everytime I instructed him to look up and open his mouth, the thrill grew. Once I applied the last of the blush and finished lining his lips, it was almost imperative that I lead us back into the reality of the living room. <br /><br />Helping him put on his bra and stuffing it helped disperse the latent tension. And after the hot pink wig was on his head, everything seemed right again in the world. But forgetting those brief bathroom moments will be impossible.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-71342130848992135472010-12-17T12:30:00.000-08:002010-12-17T13:47:25.991-08:00Seriously? Who Needs A Solid Gold Vibrator?So I follow a few blogs. Ok, like 75. I know it is a disease, but my mind needs constant reading material, and a blog is awesome for quick breaks at work.<br /><br />Anywhore.<br /><br />One of the blogs has many contributors who like to talk about everything from being a parent to the best sex toy for your money. And they decided to hold a giveaway. <br /><br />For a Jimmy Jane Eternity.<br /><br />A solid gold vibrator with inlaid diamonds.<br /><br />Wow. Whomever came up with idea, is a genius.<br /><br />I'm super happy with the Amazon special toys I have shipped over whenever mine go kaput. Last order (2 items) came to a whooping $35. By the time they die, I will have spent more on batteries than on the toys.<br /><br />The JimmyJane? $2750<br /><br />That's 9x more than my first car. <br /><br />But can you imagine what that says if your honey buys you one? Your netherbits are so special to him that you DESERVE 24K gold to rub one out. AND DIAMONDS! How could I forget the diamonds? <br /><br />It is also like saying his peen is comparable to a vibrating gold wand of love. And with that as a give, I wouldn't argue it in the least. "Yes. Your penis is as awesome as this 24K gold, diamond studded orgasm creator." Hell, I think this should replace the traditional engagement ring.<br /><br />So, yeah! Instead of an engagements ring - I think I want this if anyone would like to propose to me. <br /><br />And we can elope to Vegas to be married by midget Elvis. In a drive thru.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-89388417666116536482010-12-16T11:42:00.000-08:002010-12-16T17:15:35.603-08:00Hot BathsI love to soak in a hot bath. The hotter the water, and the more of my body I can submerge, the better. I do not use bubble bath, but if there is epson salt available, I love adding it in. Eucalyptus-scented is my favorite. I could spend hours in a tub of hot water.<br /><br />And I have. When you grow up in a small place and have pretty much shared your room since you were 2, privacy (and silence) is hard to come by. So that bathroom was my bastion of peace. This did not garner any love from my dad, who would be pissed that I would be in there for hours. "Goddamn it, JAIMI!" I heard this alot actually.<br /><br />Anywho.<br /><br />Hot baths. In the winter, they are my savior. I think my internal thermometer is broken. But when it gets cold, and I'm anywhere near my menstral cycle, I get cold and it is almost impossible to warm up. Electric blankets help. I used to use snuggling as a way to absorb heat too. But these methods are slow. If you've been cold all day, and you're tired, when you get home a bath can saturate you with warmth in 10 minutes. It. Is. Heavenly.<br /><br />So the temp has been dropping dramatically at night and, after having spent 10 days in 90 degree weather (Mexico Cruise, baby!), that cold is pretty much unbearable. So I think I am more clean this last week than I've been in ages because nearly every night has seen me monopolize the guest bath. It is kind of sad that my daughters have another bathroom to use, because hearing them yell, "Gosh Darn it, MAMA!" would make the bath that much more complete.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-53681802482460255342010-12-14T08:39:00.000-08:002010-12-14T09:39:24.774-08:00I Love My BodyI know that every single Empower Yourself Self-help Guru says you need to love yourself, and agreeing with them makes me uncomfortable, but I can't help it. Damn quacks are right.<br /><br />Up until I was about 29, I hated my body. I think it was because as good as it was at producing babies easily, everything single thing was a struggle. Weight loss, orgasms, waking up in the morning - all required WAY too much effort. And looking back, I'm thinking depression had alot to do with it. It is such an insidious disease. But when I had had enough of my life not being what I had always dreamed, I decided to change it. <br /><br />I started this dramatic change with my divorce. This decision set me back alot, financially and career-wise. Hell, I reverted back enough that I was reliving my late teens. Getting laid off, starting to date men, another first kiss, retaking my driver's test all harkened back to when I was 16.<br /><br />But one thing I discovered with this dramatic reorganizing of my life, was that I was like clay again. No longer hardening into stone, I was back to being a fluid creature, enjoying the freedom I had denied myself for over a decade. <br /><br />And every new experience involving my post baby body was daunting. If you think you were nervous about getting naked for the first time when you were 15, imagine how nervous you'd be after 2 babies and an additional 30 lbs. But I also discovered that while I might have hated my body, the men loved it. Gone were the adolescent boys who thought my 125lb frame was ungainly and unattractive and I said a hearty HELLO to the men who, for once, loved my curves. Nothing is more powerful than bending over wearing slightly lacy panties, and hearing nothing but a groaning, "Oh yeah" and then feel hands on you. Gripping his hands hard on your hips, sinking his fingers into your soft flesh and increasing size inside you. Or even after the fun activities, you just lay there and continue getting stroked because your skin is so soft and he can't keep his hands off of you. No room for shyness or hesitancy, only appreciation.<br /><br />And with each of these successes in bed I had, my self confidence grew. The tiny little platform I was standing on above all the negative emotions in my life, started expanding. Making room at first for both feet, then I could walk around, to where now I only have a few weak spots in the floor that covers all those insecure debilitating emotions. I can walk strong and upright, barely glancing at my feet and live with the assurance that it would take something truly horrible to crack this foundation I've built.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-69096908723956796282010-12-14T08:03:00.000-08:002010-12-14T08:37:14.689-08:00101 in 1001 - Status Update 12/14/103 and a half months. Wow. If I detailed it all out, this blog would be enormous. So bullet points it is:<br /><br />5. Try a different Hair color - Done! I dyed part of my hair blue. It's a sickly greenish hue now, but still awesome<br /><br />10.Volunteer 100 Hours - I am now a Girl Scout Troop leader. So far I've racked up 8 hours.<br /><br />13.Donate Blood - About 2 months ago - about time to do it again.<br /><br />22. Teach My daughters how to cook - Taught B how to fry an egg. She's scary around open flames. Going to stick with baking for now.<br /><br />23 Spend 4 weekends in Fernley - Spent Thanksgiving there.<br /><br />26. Attending 5 plays - Saw Kaeli in You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown.<br /><br />29. Host 12 Dinner parties - Hosted Some Like it Hot Dogs - Got changed to Bullit Dogs.<br /><br />30. Go to one local event a month - 9/10 Best in the West cook-off, 9/10 Nevada Museum of Art exhibit, 10/10 Italian Festival, 12/10 Santa Crawl<br /><br />32. See Tiffany perform live - Done! Caught her back-up singing for Michael Bolton<br /><br />33. Go to 25 Live sporting events - Saw the UNR Homecoming and UNR Boise game<br /><br />38. Read up on current Tween stressors - Read Queen Bees and Wannabees - Eh.<br /><br />40. Finish watching BSG - Done! Came on netflix - and powerhoused thru it - was as awesome as I had hoped.<br /><br />41. Watch Classic Movies - Saw Bullit<br /><br />45. Acquire my dream Le Crueset dutch oven - Done! Scored with 2, plus about 10 other items. Best x-mas gift ever.<br /><br />59. Ride a Zipline - Done!<br /><br />60. Snorkle tropical waters - Done!<br /><br />73. Finish Unpacking - Done! But now? I find I have too much stuff - gonna start donating more.<br /><br />87. Go on a cruise - Done!<br /><br />94. Complete a No-Spend Month - Done! although it was actually like 60 days.<br /><br />100. Change Banks - Done!Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-65089364875386270562010-10-13T08:55:00.000-07:002010-10-13T09:46:07.333-07:00Dammit, What is This? Morals? Where Did These Come From?I had a very interesting weekend in the romance department. The current beau and I went to the UNR Homecoming game and had a blast. We finished up and went back to his place, with me fully ready to commit to some naked activities. As we were snuggling on the couch, he started to talk about how he currently has Friends With Benefits. <br /><br />*screeching record noise*<br /><br />My first question was, "More than one!?" Followed by, "Do you plan to stop seeing them now that we are getting serious?"<br /><br />His answer? "No."<br /><br />I politely bid him goodnight, and left, never to date him again.<br /><br />It came to pass that there were other factors that would have been dealbreakers, but this is the one I would like to address.<br /><br />How do people have open relationships? <br /><br />When I got divorced, and the papers were final, I dated. Many men. At once. And these weren't just first dates, but full on relationships with all the physical aspects involved. I completely whored out for about 4 months.<br /><br />But I never felt right about it. So I didn't do it again. But there were instances of a man here and there cheating on me. And with the experience I had just been through where I was the cheater, I still couldn't condone it. It struck at a very core issue that I will have, I believe, for as long as I live. <br /><br />That I'm not good enough. <br /><br />In a nutshell, in my dream relationship, all my man will ever need is just me. Sexually and emotionally, what I have to offer will satisfy his desires. Simple as that. Perfection is not the goal. I will never live up to perfection or live with the constant striving for perfection. <br /><br />And what confuses me about open relationships, even when both parties are into it, and the couple makes rules and follows them, is that you are, at some point, still sharing each other. You are watching some other woman pleasure your man, and they are putting that look on his face that you thought was reserved for you. The intimacy that you share is no longer special, between the two of you, but now just associated with the act.<br /><br />Maybe it is how I perceive intimacy between two people. When I'm with a man, I focus on making him happy. It is a very big part of what makes me get more and more excited. He is like a sounding board for me. I resonate off of him. And I believe if the sex is going to blow your mind, he is as in tune with you. <br /><br />And I guess this is where you say, if one person is happy, wouldn't two people's happiness make it better? Having never had more than one subject, I can't say. But I do know that being very selfish and not a fan of sharing, the kneejerk reaction to another woman touching my guy? <br /><br />"Why is he letting her touch him? Aren't I enough?" <br /><br />As self confident as I have grown to be, this very basic issue I have, slices a little hole into that confidence. It is this little hole in my armor that would never allow me to participate in an open relationship. Another imperfection that defines me. And a trait I will want to look for in candidates of future relationships.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-77142427362733628162010-10-08T11:33:00.000-07:002010-10-08T13:32:46.223-07:00There Was This One Time When The Whole School Knew I Went Without Underpants.Most of you know that I have 2 daughters. And it was imperative to teach my lovely little ladies to avoid throwing out crotchshots. I'm not raising Lindsey Lohans or Brittany Spears...es.<br /><br />But I didn't want to embarass them by blatantly telling them, "I can see your goodies."<br /><br />So, as an ever-impressive vocal candidate, I used song to let them know they were exposed, all while preserving their delicate little snowflake egos.<br /><br />"I see London! I see France!"<br /><br />This is far as I had to go. They'd pick up on the clue, do a quick readjust, and "Voila!", back to lady status.<br /><br />(For those of you that are saying at this very moment, "So unlike their mother", I would like to let you know that your intuition is not flawed. Just sayin'.)<br /><br />So, the other day, I'm getting something out of the van at the bus stop, and I hear giggles behind me. And my youngest's sweet little voice starts singing, "I see London! I see France!". And I continue the song with, "No, you don't, cause I'm NOT WEARING ANY UNDERPANTS!" And then I mooned her. I also happened to moon my oldest. And my oldest's friend Megan. And Megan's sister, Morgan. And their neighbors, Josh and Tim.<br /><br />As you can imagine the kids thought I was puuurty funny. So funny in fact that at the assembly a few day later, I kept getting the surreptitious finger point and hushed giggles. After the assembly, I was dragged over to meet my girls' new friends and their parents. I actually knew one from a prior jobs. He was kind enough to state, rather loudly, "You are the Commando Mom!"<br /><br />That'll teach me to forgo the granny panties, even for just one day.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-14163158641126400502010-09-30T09:02:00.000-07:002010-09-30T11:37:46.203-07:00Another Skype Convo Where I Cross The Line, But Honestly Couldn't Help MyselfAs I am sure you all know, Skype is a fantastic chatting tool. We utilize it exclusively where I work, since many of our employees are international. But since Skype is also a free tool that many, many people use, you other will have not only your coworkers, but friends and family linked. Yesterday, my coworker, A*, started this chat:
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#006600;">A*: my mom wanted me to ask you (even though i know the answer) if you are looking for a cruise roomie...apparently a single lady friend of theirs is interested in going </span>
<br /><span style="color:#006600;">
<br />Jaimi: No
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<br />A*: yeah that's what i said
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<br />Jaimi: Or tell her this - I will expect sexual favors from whomever I have bunk with me
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<br />A*: ummmm nah you can tell her that
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<br />Jaimi: haha
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<br />A*: oh look, my mom's on skype...you can tell her yourself
<br />A*: ha
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<br />Jaimi: Ok, I sent it to her
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<br />A*: oh lord</span>
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<br />I did make it a bit more classy than I implied to A*.
<br />
<br /><span style="color:#000099;">Jaimi: Good morning! I'm sorry A*s MOM, but I will be unable to host your friend in my cabin. If i have anyone in my cabin, it will be someone with the proper tools to aid me in further enjoying my trip. And I'm pretty sure your friend lacks those tools. </span>
<br /></span><span style="color:#000099;">
<br />Jaimi: And by tools, I mean a penis.
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<br />A*s MOM: OMG, understood!!
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<br />Jaimi: Just so you know. ;)
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<br />A*s MOM: I hear you loud and clear!!...it will be fun, maybe you'll meet the man on the cruise...
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<br />Jaimi: I won't discount the possibility
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<br />A*s MOM: true, things do happen on crusies..unexpected things...</span>
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<br />So yet another example of me treating everyone equally. Pretty much as if you really care, which I assume everyone does if it is about my happiness.
<br /></span>Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-9577349257952079402010-09-27T11:16:00.000-07:002010-09-27T11:30:00.875-07:00Thundercunt!This curse word is flashburning it's way thru my life. I heard it first on Weeds. And it made me do one of the light nose snuffs kinda lame laugh. Then Ian used it in a post, and I mihgt have even chuckled. But it wasn't until I shared it with my coworkers last week, that it made be seriously laugh out loud. Nothing like have 2 of your girlfriends yell out, "THUNDERCUNT!" like is was one of their favorite WWE wrestler's name.<br /><br />And I know the *C* word drives people insane, but not me.<br /><br />I love all curse words.<br /><br />Every Father's Day, when I call my dad, I wish him a "Happy Motherfucker's Day".<br />When I screw up at something, I'll say, "Fuck me sideways!"<br />If someone compliments me, I have to chant to myself, "Don't be a douche and say 'Thank you'".<br /><br />I swear you would think I grew up with a dad who was a construction worker... Oh, wait...<br /><br />;-)<br /><br />So what's your fav expletive?Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-19636337412629712972010-08-30T08:18:00.001-07:002010-08-30T08:57:47.996-07:00101 in 1001 - Status Update 08/30/2010It has been over 2 months since the last update, and I know, I suck. But I marked alot of goals off of the list. Let's see which ones:<br /><br />13. Donate 4 times a year (2/4) - This was my second this year. Need to not wait 4 months for the next one.<br /><br />18. Call my mom every month - I did even better and visited 3 times in July.<br /><br />19. Send out cards on B-days - Sent out my niece's card on Friday for her b-day tomorrow.<br /><br />25. Attend 5 Artown Events (0/5) - This year was a bust. Mainly because Artown in only in July, and I pretty much spent 3 out of the 5 weekends at my parents' house.<br /><br />33. Go to 25 Live sporting events (6/25) - Our company summer picnic was at the Aces game. Catered food and a sectioned off grassy knoll for the lot of us made for a fun night.<br /><br />34. Read 5 new Authors (3/5) - I read Stieg Larsson's Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Loved it.<br /><br />35. Blog Weekly - Total bust. Making up for it this month though.<br /><br />43. Make apricot jam from my tree - Whoops, it isn't an apricot tree, but a peach tree. Apparently last year there was too much fruit on the tree, so not alot of it really developed. I pulled alot of it off to save a branch. This summer? Giant oh-so-yummy peaches. Ha.<br /><br />67. Closet Organziers in every room - Finished the girls' closets 2 weekends ago. Just need to do mine now.<br /><br />68. Replace the hardware in the kitchen - DONE!<br /><br />88. Drive across America - DONE!<br /><br />You know, looking at this? I realized I haven't been as productive as I had hoped. Well, just got to keep plugging along.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-76145681435101539332010-08-29T16:35:00.000-07:002010-08-29T16:57:05.800-07:00My Dog Just Ate A BirdNot my big dog.<br /><br />No.<br /><br />My little one. Harley.<br /><br />The bird was in my grapes which are kind of low to the ground. And she snuck up on it and brought it down. Which got Raven, the big one, all excited. So they fought over it. There are feathers everywhere. And little bird feet. *Gag*<br /><br />This was following me watch Harley dry hump the cat. All while the cat was cleaning Harley's ears. I always knew those two were dirty, but good lord. Pet porn is so not my thing. Any animal porn. Blech. I saw a picture of a donkey show once. I will NEVER be able to unsee that. Ever.<br /><br />Ever ever.<br /><br />Other things I wish I could forever unsee are dying animals. Saw that this week too. Made a shitty softball double header into a Super Duper Shitty Softball Double Header, when a dog fight between a tiny terrier and a pit bull ended with a dead broken tiny terrier. Haven't had the dying animal situation too often. Few dogs hit by cars. A coyote once where a friend, Justin, had to finish it off with a rock. Poor little wild thing. Had a few pets put down. Hated every moment of each experience.<br /><br />So picking up slighty chewed bird parts? Effing kill me. But at least my pets didn't die.<br /><br />They are just murderers.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-54960010354683397872010-08-26T10:11:00.000-07:002010-08-26T13:53:27.981-07:00Bucket List: Because I Don't Have Enough Lists AlreadyThis blog isn't because I feel my encroaching death, nor have I had a brush with mortality. My crow's feet are becoming a little more defined, and everytime I go to the doc now, I have a new ailment, but this has absolutely nothing to with it.<br /><br />Oh, who am I kidding? This is totally because everytime I meet up with someone I haven't seen in a while, I end up going over all my failing body issues, like an old man. And I'm only 34. Imagine how bad it will be when I'm 44?<br /><br />So anywho, I saw a snippet of a list and thought, "How fun! I will make one too, you know, since I'M DYING." *sigh* Maudlin much, there, crazy Jaimi? Probably just a bit.<br /><br />1. I want to dance with an Elvis Impersonator. I'd rather it actually be Elvis, or Bruce Campbell AS Elvis, but I will settle for anyone looking like Elvis. And, of course, a midget Elvis equals bonus points.<br /><br />2. I want to ride a donkey to the Grand Canyon floor and back. All while sipping colombian coffee. If the guy leading my donkey was also wearing a poncho, even better.<br /><br />3. Own my own business. Whether it is a coffee shop / bookstore / accounting services conglomeration, or just a high-end brothel satisfying women's fantasies, being large and in charge would be a hoot. Especially if it involved sex or coffee.<br /><br />4. Spend a month on the ocean. Ideally, it would be a rich, married, Italian diplomat who would have me as his mistress and I would spend at least a month of that time on his yacht. He'd kick me to the curb for having sex with my 22 year old cabin boy, but it totally would have been worth it. That boy knew his business.<br /><br />5. Write a book. Whether it was a sci-fi fantasy, a smutty romance involving animals and dead people, or a How-To Totally Fuck Up Your Kids manual, getting published would also be a hoot. I just need a little notoriety, so that when people come up to me to ask questions or get directions, I can just pretend they really want my autograph, and just sign something, shake hands and walk off.<br /><br />6. Going along that little notoriety path, I also would like to perform stand-up. Whether I totally suck and get heckled off the stage, or I rock it, and then develop a debilitating drug habit, it seems like just trying would be awesome. Just need to work my schick. (ba-dum-bum-that's-what-she-said-cheesh)<br /><br />7. To die knowing that my daughters are happy, successful women satisfied with their lives.<br /><br />8. To spend a day in a hotair balloon. Even if it is with those old nudists in that one car commercial. All that quiet height and lazy movement? Sounds absolutely perfect. That is until a tornado takes you to a very weird place where you get to be a wizard. Oh, no, wait, that sounds really great too. Especially since there is also a town where there are nothing but midgets, and you are REALLY tall in comparison. Ok, so all day in a hotair balloon with a tornado ride at the end.<br /><br />9. To get my pilot license. From what every apocalyptic book, movie, fantasy, whatever, in existense states, being able to escape* by plane may be the key to you and your teams survival. And as you all know, I have been working on my zombie plan for quite a long time.<br /><br />That's it for now. I actually feel younger now, just by completing this list. So the next time I am diagnosed with something that takes away an everyday pleasure (So long, Caffeine, I will missed you until my dying day), I'll add another item to the list.<br /><br />*"Es-cawp-A!"~ DoryJaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-33052289338998133812010-08-19T13:54:00.000-07:002010-08-19T14:12:02.057-07:00Holy Crap, It's Been Over A Month, aka I Suck.It has been so long since I've wrote I almost didn't know how to start. But then I remembered that old adage, that you should just sit down and just start writing. Let the free association free you from your mental incapabilities. So here goes...<br /><br />I am in the process of making a bet today. I have a friend who's a FedEx driver and earlier today, I sent him a pic of the car I get to drive for the next 2 days. Hint - it is red, compact, 6-speed stick shift and insanely fast, especially compared to Bruce, the minivan.<br /><br />He replied with a pic of his FedEx truck, essentially saying, "Mine's Bigger."<br /><br />I replied in a very mature and adult manner. "Suck it, mine's faster!"<br /><br />He came back with a pretty sweet and totally debilitating response, "I can fit all of the UNR cheerleaders in mine."<br /><br />Damn. Mine is only fast and probably going to score me a speeding ticket. My only comeback was brutal honesty. "Well, I CAN and WILL go fast. I bet you CAN'T and WON'T get the cheerleaders in your truck."<br /><br />And, bless his soul, he took the bet.<br /><br />My greedy little heart is all aflutter. Stipulations are the cheerleaders have to actually get into the back. Photographic evidence is ok, but no photoshop. And he has until 09/30/10. I told him that if he fails to accomplish this task, I get him as a free delivery guy for the rest of the year, as long as he only has to deliver in Reno.<br /><br />Can you imagine?<br /><br />NOT having to deliver x-mas gifts myself, and yet not PAY to have them delivered?! Boo-yah!!<br /><br />He hasn't completely agreed to this yet and my side of the wager is still in the air. So - fingers crossed people!<br /><br />(Sidenote: It'll probably be like a hard desert rain of blogs in the next few days. Totally flooded by next Friday, I bet. Gotta get back to flexing that muscle.)Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4159149415676037523.post-6653876573581384422010-07-12T09:45:00.000-07:002010-07-12T09:49:27.894-07:00Weekend MusingsAs I walked away from the bar that night, fragments of memories flashed thru my mind. His tongue in my mouth and my hand running along the long scar on his chest. Tobacco-laced kisses on a broken hammock, laughter and him saying, “Oh god, I’m coming.” His grandfather’s ring on a chain around his neck hitting my chin as he thrust into me.<br /><br />I walked away from these memories. Endeavoring to put them behind me, I realized I needed to find another form of escapism. The missing space in my life, this hole, wasn’t going to be filled by a man. Ok, physically, yes. But only temporarily.<br /><br />What was missing had to be provided by me, for me, in order for me to be as healthy as possible. Something deep in my psyche demanded it.<br /><br />After a sleepless night running all the various past scenarios in my head, concerned with men, drinking, my health, I finally awoke groggy but resolute. It had to change. I had to change. First things first. Get my house in order. ~sigh~ This is going to take awhile.Jaimihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12617957419560421346noreply@blogger.com0