As I walked away from the bar that night, fragments of memories flashed thru my mind. His tongue in my mouth and my hand running along the long scar on his chest. Tobacco-laced kisses on a broken hammock, laughter and him saying, “Oh god, I’m coming.” His grandfather’s ring on a chain around his neck hitting my chin as he thrust into me.
I walked away from these memories. Endeavoring to put them behind me, I realized I needed to find another form of escapism. The missing space in my life, this hole, wasn’t going to be filled by a man. Ok, physically, yes. But only temporarily.
What was missing had to be provided by me, for me, in order for me to be as healthy as possible. Something deep in my psyche demanded it.
After a sleepless night running all the various past scenarios in my head, concerned with men, drinking, my health, I finally awoke groggy but resolute. It had to change. I had to change. First things first. Get my house in order. ~sigh~ This is going to take awhile.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I Need A Hug - If You Actually Touch My Chest, I Will Knife You.
I experianced a new first today. I wouldn't say it was a good first. It was a necessary first helping me guaratee my health now and in the future.
I got my first mammogram.
And, boy, was it a doozy.
So I get there, check in, participate in some waiting room magazine reading, get called back. Undress and lock up my stuff in these little lockers. More waiting room magazine reading. So far this is not unlike waiting for a spa treatment. Hell, I am even wearing flip flops.
Finally get called back. Nice older lady. Please place your goodies into this large clamp. Four times. Not bad. I even make the joke, well, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. (JINX!) Go back to waiting room.
Get called back again. They need magnified pics due to some issues. So instead of 4 pics, 2 of each, we now need 4 pics OF EACH. And you can't move. So we will guaratee you won't move by clamping you down so tight you CAN'T move.
At this point you are triggering 3 of my anxiety zones.
1. Crushing pain - I can take piercing, scraping, hell, even burning pain, without responding too badly. Crushing debilitates me.
2. Being trapped. My flight or fight is heavily in the flight. So if I can't flee? Uh uh, not good.
3. Feeling like a victim. This wasn't like a pain I was bringing on myself, so I could rationalize it. It was caused by another human being.
So by the last picture, I was done. If that lady had clamped down on that knob one more time, I think I may have punched her in the head.
But it is good to focus on the fact it is now over, and everything came out clear and healthy. I just hope that my gyn decides I don't have to do this annually. If he does, I am so getting a valium RX beforehand. Cause, DUDE.
I got my first mammogram.
And, boy, was it a doozy.
So I get there, check in, participate in some waiting room magazine reading, get called back. Undress and lock up my stuff in these little lockers. More waiting room magazine reading. So far this is not unlike waiting for a spa treatment. Hell, I am even wearing flip flops.
Finally get called back. Nice older lady. Please place your goodies into this large clamp. Four times. Not bad. I even make the joke, well, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. (JINX!) Go back to waiting room.
Get called back again. They need magnified pics due to some issues. So instead of 4 pics, 2 of each, we now need 4 pics OF EACH. And you can't move. So we will guaratee you won't move by clamping you down so tight you CAN'T move.
At this point you are triggering 3 of my anxiety zones.
1. Crushing pain - I can take piercing, scraping, hell, even burning pain, without responding too badly. Crushing debilitates me.
2. Being trapped. My flight or fight is heavily in the flight. So if I can't flee? Uh uh, not good.
3. Feeling like a victim. This wasn't like a pain I was bringing on myself, so I could rationalize it. It was caused by another human being.
So by the last picture, I was done. If that lady had clamped down on that knob one more time, I think I may have punched her in the head.
But it is good to focus on the fact it is now over, and everything came out clear and healthy. I just hope that my gyn decides I don't have to do this annually. If he does, I am so getting a valium RX beforehand. Cause, DUDE.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Friday
Thank god, right?
So I woke up my youngest Thursday morning and she wanted to tell me about a dream she was having.
M - "The kids from Sonny With A Chance were there. And Zack, but not Cody. And Raven, but not my our dog, Raven."
Me - "Sounds like a lot of cool people."
M - "And I was making a bomb..."
Me - "Really? A bomb? What kind?"
M - "I was making a bomb, but you stopped me."
Me - "I'm sure I had to, sweetheart."
M - "No. I said I was making a bomb, but then you asked me a question, and stopped me talking. Now I can't remember."
And that's how I safely averted terrorism in my family. I deserve a medal. YOU ARE WELCOME.
It has been a long kinda crazy week. Monday saw me at the girly doc. I found out I get to start mammograms earlier than scheduled. Like 6 years earlier. I believe it is karma for all of the free shit I've ever gotten with these babies. The universe balances itself. Stupid universe.
And yesterday, my oldest daughter spent all day with me at work. You know how hard it is to surf the 'net with your child going, "Is that for work?" HARD.
Luckily, I get to wear jeans and tees for the next 4 days. I will be heading to Ye Ole Homestead tonight after work. Spend a day in Vegas hitting up movies and eating out. Another day celebrating the 4th. And another day driving back. That is alot of time driving. I am thinking of it as training for my cross country road trip. My ass needs the exercise.
So, I just need to survive today at work. And the driving this weekend. And the family time. Aaannndddd the Beatty Days... Man, I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation. At least I have Monday night to look forward to. Movie on the couch, maybe some wine, and smoochage. This may be the first Monday I have look forward to in years! Viva la Monday!
So I woke up my youngest Thursday morning and she wanted to tell me about a dream she was having.
M - "The kids from Sonny With A Chance were there. And Zack, but not Cody. And Raven, but not my our dog, Raven."
Me - "Sounds like a lot of cool people."
M - "And I was making a bomb..."
Me - "Really? A bomb? What kind?"
M - "I was making a bomb, but you stopped me."
Me - "I'm sure I had to, sweetheart."
M - "No. I said I was making a bomb, but then you asked me a question, and stopped me talking. Now I can't remember."
And that's how I safely averted terrorism in my family. I deserve a medal. YOU ARE WELCOME.
It has been a long kinda crazy week. Monday saw me at the girly doc. I found out I get to start mammograms earlier than scheduled. Like 6 years earlier. I believe it is karma for all of the free shit I've ever gotten with these babies. The universe balances itself. Stupid universe.
And yesterday, my oldest daughter spent all day with me at work. You know how hard it is to surf the 'net with your child going, "Is that for work?" HARD.
Luckily, I get to wear jeans and tees for the next 4 days. I will be heading to Ye Ole Homestead tonight after work. Spend a day in Vegas hitting up movies and eating out. Another day celebrating the 4th. And another day driving back. That is alot of time driving. I am thinking of it as training for my cross country road trip. My ass needs the exercise.
So, I just need to survive today at work. And the driving this weekend. And the family time. Aaannndddd the Beatty Days... Man, I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation. At least I have Monday night to look forward to. Movie on the couch, maybe some wine, and smoochage. This may be the first Monday I have look forward to in years! Viva la Monday!
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Big Day Approacheth - i.e., I'll Try Not To Permanently Scar You With My Sex Knowledge
My eldest daughter, B, will be entering middle school in late August. Not sure how it works outside of NV, but middle school is where the magic happens. Puberty hits and there's a bit more laxness in your child's schedule and BAM! Sex! Alcohol! Badness! More badness!
I think I've done pretty well on the alcohol front. And the school is very anti-mood-altering-drug. And, luckily, her friends are pretty straight edge. I'm really not all that worried about alcohol. We've had conversations about it, most of the questions have been asked, and I think right now, it is all good. The knowledge has been imparted.
Now, for the sex...
...
I actually broke into a sweat. Just now.
I really don't want to eff this up. Impart knowledge without making it sound too clinical. The clinical part will be the easiest. I can talk about that stuff any day of the week. But explain what stuff feels like and share experiences? That's what's gonna kill me.
It is so very necessary though. I have been hearing some scary shit from teachers I drink with. And from parents with 13yo daughters in 8th grade. I've become very good at dealing with hypervenilation. When another parent talks about finding her 13yo son in bed with his girlfriend who's 11, you tend to not find enough oxygen in the room. Uh uh.
We already had the masturbation talk. I did pretty well, but she totally wanted to die a horrid self-immolation death. Right. On. The. Spot. I can understand why. It was sprung on her. There were a few improprieties at a sleepover and the attending parent kinda freaked out. Scorched earth and all that. Kinda like that scene in Johnny Dangerously, where he makes his kid brother watch the video about exploding balls? Yeah, so I had to try and address the parent's response and explain that masturbation is natural, blah, blah, feels good, blah, blah, but private, blah, blah, blah. Good times.
So I have been prepping her for this for a few months now. Taking out the spontaneity, cutting down on the shock. And we will be doing it in various parts all during the summer. So we focus on her body, and then a boy's. And then the various acts. And then contraceptives. And then harassment, partner/peer pressures and, finally, rape.
Don't get me wrong. Part of me wants to scare the ever-loving hell out of her about sex. And it wouldn't be that hard. Her 15yo cousin is pregnant with twins. People within her immediate familial circle have had to deal with rape and sexual abuse. Sex can permanently scar you. Tear holes in your psyche. Crush your self-confidence. At the least, sex makes you vulnerable.
But that vulnerability is what makes it so great. You literally open yourself up to another person. It is scary but so very powerful. Especially if it is done right. It is the basis for one of the most integral relationships you'll ever have. Can be the most emotive way to express love physically. And, seriously, it is just damn fun.
So, I must express all this while teetertottering between scaring the shit out of her and giving her cues that is it ok to be a whore. I honestly don't have alot of fears about her becoming promiscuious. Mostly, I'm afraid I will scare her too much. Instead of using a scapel for the job, I'll use Gallagher's Mallet. Watermelon everywhere.
So this week, I'll be buying some books soon with cartoon illustrations (I'm not ready for actual pictures) and setting up some biweekly quiet time. And, hope to Christ, I can be delicate for once in my life. And then get ready to repeat it all over again in 3 years.
I think I've done pretty well on the alcohol front. And the school is very anti-mood-altering-drug. And, luckily, her friends are pretty straight edge. I'm really not all that worried about alcohol. We've had conversations about it, most of the questions have been asked, and I think right now, it is all good. The knowledge has been imparted.
Now, for the sex...
...
I actually broke into a sweat. Just now.
I really don't want to eff this up. Impart knowledge without making it sound too clinical. The clinical part will be the easiest. I can talk about that stuff any day of the week. But explain what stuff feels like and share experiences? That's what's gonna kill me.
It is so very necessary though. I have been hearing some scary shit from teachers I drink with. And from parents with 13yo daughters in 8th grade. I've become very good at dealing with hypervenilation. When another parent talks about finding her 13yo son in bed with his girlfriend who's 11, you tend to not find enough oxygen in the room. Uh uh.
We already had the masturbation talk. I did pretty well, but she totally wanted to die a horrid self-immolation death. Right. On. The. Spot. I can understand why. It was sprung on her. There were a few improprieties at a sleepover and the attending parent kinda freaked out. Scorched earth and all that. Kinda like that scene in Johnny Dangerously, where he makes his kid brother watch the video about exploding balls? Yeah, so I had to try and address the parent's response and explain that masturbation is natural, blah, blah, feels good, blah, blah, but private, blah, blah, blah. Good times.
So I have been prepping her for this for a few months now. Taking out the spontaneity, cutting down on the shock. And we will be doing it in various parts all during the summer. So we focus on her body, and then a boy's. And then the various acts. And then contraceptives. And then harassment, partner/peer pressures and, finally, rape.
Don't get me wrong. Part of me wants to scare the ever-loving hell out of her about sex. And it wouldn't be that hard. Her 15yo cousin is pregnant with twins. People within her immediate familial circle have had to deal with rape and sexual abuse. Sex can permanently scar you. Tear holes in your psyche. Crush your self-confidence. At the least, sex makes you vulnerable.
But that vulnerability is what makes it so great. You literally open yourself up to another person. It is scary but so very powerful. Especially if it is done right. It is the basis for one of the most integral relationships you'll ever have. Can be the most emotive way to express love physically. And, seriously, it is just damn fun.
So, I must express all this while teetertottering between scaring the shit out of her and giving her cues that is it ok to be a whore. I honestly don't have alot of fears about her becoming promiscuious. Mostly, I'm afraid I will scare her too much. Instead of using a scapel for the job, I'll use Gallagher's Mallet. Watermelon everywhere.
So this week, I'll be buying some books soon with cartoon illustrations (I'm not ready for actual pictures) and setting up some biweekly quiet time. And, hope to Christ, I can be delicate for once in my life. And then get ready to repeat it all over again in 3 years.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
101 in 1001 - Status Update 06/24/10
Captain's Log... heh.
So it has been 2 months since my last update. I'm still plugging along. I need to focus on making some headway with a few pending goals, like painting and closet organizers, mainly because I have purchased everything, now I just need to labor a bit.
But here are the current standings:
10 - Volunteer 100 hours. My company bought into a charity poker event for Northern Nevada Children's Cancer Foundation. There were about 160 participants. And I was #22 when I went out. So close! I actually had a bit of a following afterwards. Strangers came up and thanked me for a good show. Pretty sweet. I played* for about 5 hours.
*and by played, I mean I yelled "I got a pair!" everytime one was dealt by the dealer, flirted with all of the guys at my table and drank.
11 - Donate to every charity that asks. Jade had a birthday request to have everyone donate $30 to The Sold Project instead of getting her a gift for her 30th b-day. So I happily oblidged.
Pee ess, Ron I need the link to your page.
19 - Send out birthday cards - on time. I sent cards to my nephew, Connor, and my mom. Still not quite making it "on-time". Got to improve that.
23 - Spend 4 weekends in Fernley. I made it out for a full day last week for a baby shower and then followed by an afternoon playing cribbage and Settlers of Catan. I am finding entire weekends are really difficult due to all of the awesome summer activites. So, I will start chalking up 1/2 weekends.
30 - Go to one local event a month. Speaking of awesome summer activities... On 5/8, The fam went to the Reno Runamuck. We had a 4 person team called Chic Geeks. We ran a 5K obstacle relay race dressed as the most adorable set of nerds you ever did see. The girls, my daughter, B, and her friend, Maya, entered the costume contest and made the finals. They got a huge "Awww!" when they came on stage. As for the actual race we came in 3rd from last. Boo-ya! In June we did 2 events. On 6/6, I went to the Reno Eurofest. Great beer but WAY too much polka. And last weekend the girls and I went to the Reno Rodeo. Mmmm...Corndogs, cotton candy, and cowboys....
33 - Go to 25 Live sporting events. Made another Aces game. Got there early enough to get a free jersey and was the first game I wanted to not end early. Warm perfect weather and great company.
34 - Read 5 new authors. I read Light A Penny Candle, by Maeve Binchy. And hated it. It was recommended by a friend. Perfect example of the variances in peoples' tastes. Because I know she'd hate The Road.
Most of these are small pieces of greater goals. But I did actually complete one goal in these last 2 months.
96 - Pay off the van. So that Salvation Army truck that plowed into me? Netted me enough money to pay off my car 2 months early. My car now has major body damage on all but one side and is even more recognizable by anyone that knows me. And I am getting more and more freelance body repair offers ("I can do it real cheap!"). But I wouldn't have it any other way.
So I am hoping to complete a few other projects, maybe this weekend. Wish me luck.
So it has been 2 months since my last update. I'm still plugging along. I need to focus on making some headway with a few pending goals, like painting and closet organizers, mainly because I have purchased everything, now I just need to labor a bit.
But here are the current standings:
10 - Volunteer 100 hours. My company bought into a charity poker event for Northern Nevada Children's Cancer Foundation. There were about 160 participants. And I was #22 when I went out. So close! I actually had a bit of a following afterwards. Strangers came up and thanked me for a good show. Pretty sweet. I played* for about 5 hours.
*and by played, I mean I yelled "I got a pair!" everytime one was dealt by the dealer, flirted with all of the guys at my table and drank.
11 - Donate to every charity that asks. Jade had a birthday request to have everyone donate $30 to The Sold Project instead of getting her a gift for her 30th b-day. So I happily oblidged.
Pee ess, Ron I need the link to your page.
19 - Send out birthday cards - on time. I sent cards to my nephew, Connor, and my mom. Still not quite making it "on-time". Got to improve that.
23 - Spend 4 weekends in Fernley. I made it out for a full day last week for a baby shower and then followed by an afternoon playing cribbage and Settlers of Catan. I am finding entire weekends are really difficult due to all of the awesome summer activites. So, I will start chalking up 1/2 weekends.
30 - Go to one local event a month. Speaking of awesome summer activities... On 5/8, The fam went to the Reno Runamuck. We had a 4 person team called Chic Geeks. We ran a 5K obstacle relay race dressed as the most adorable set of nerds you ever did see. The girls, my daughter, B, and her friend, Maya, entered the costume contest and made the finals. They got a huge "Awww!" when they came on stage. As for the actual race we came in 3rd from last. Boo-ya! In June we did 2 events. On 6/6, I went to the Reno Eurofest. Great beer but WAY too much polka. And last weekend the girls and I went to the Reno Rodeo. Mmmm...Corndogs, cotton candy, and cowboys....
33 - Go to 25 Live sporting events. Made another Aces game. Got there early enough to get a free jersey and was the first game I wanted to not end early. Warm perfect weather and great company.
34 - Read 5 new authors. I read Light A Penny Candle, by Maeve Binchy. And hated it. It was recommended by a friend. Perfect example of the variances in peoples' tastes. Because I know she'd hate The Road.
Most of these are small pieces of greater goals. But I did actually complete one goal in these last 2 months.
96 - Pay off the van. So that Salvation Army truck that plowed into me? Netted me enough money to pay off my car 2 months early. My car now has major body damage on all but one side and is even more recognizable by anyone that knows me. And I am getting more and more freelance body repair offers ("I can do it real cheap!"). But I wouldn't have it any other way.
So I am hoping to complete a few other projects, maybe this weekend. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Random Musings of a Sleep-Deprived Accountant
For the last 6 weeks, I think I have averaged about 6 hours of sleep a night. Not a problem, usually. I've been thru Mommy Boot Camp. I am well-versed in functioning in a partial stupor. But the last 2 nights? Only about 3-4 hours of sleep. And I totally did it to myself.
Monday night was a horror movie marathon with a pretty boy. We watched Let The Right One In, Fido and Zombieland. We are in a competition to see who can come up with the most obscure/disturbing/funny horror movie. So far? I am kicking his ass.
(Side note? If I don't get kissed soon, I may start attacking random strangers. Just sayin'.)
The next one one the list? Bad Biology. I am pretty sure this one will shame him into conceding the title forever to me. He may never be the same again. Of course, he is hanging out with me...
And then last night? I played Fallout 3 for hours. Lord, I love that game. I am 3 levels from topping out, and I still have 60% of the game left. Ha. My character is "Very Good". I think after I finish this, I will try it out being evil. I will kill everyone.
... No, I am not a sociopath.
(Side note? The Killers' Mr. Brightside? Makes me very happy when I hear it.)
(Did I also mention that my boss is gone to Paris for 2 weeks? So. Hard. To. Be Productive.)
And it has FINALLY warmed up. Last night, before the gaming, I met up with Becky and we sat out side and had some Wyder's Pear Cyder, the girliest of all beers. Hard to diss it though, because when you're hot, that shit is gewd.
As of right now, I have no plans for tonight. No, scratch that. I need to get pet food. That's it. I mean, I have chores, but I am going to blatantly ignore them. It is nice to realize that with your washer and dryer broken (my washer and dryer are broken, BTW), you can go into survival mode with your clothes. Like tha pants I am wearing this week? All recycled from last week. Sexy, eh?
(Did you know that drinking coffee can reduce chances of getting liver cancer by 41%? That's awesome, cause I torture my liver. Every. Single. Day.)
So I get my brand spanking new, high-tech, oo-la-la washer and dryer on Saturday. I might actually get a little excited about laundry. You know, for about 23 mins.
(Melissa Etheridge's I Will Never Be The Same also makes me happy. My iPod is not failing me today. I think having someone write you a song, or sing to you is one of the most romantic actions ever. Even if it is a "Homeless Joe" on the corner. Not to be confused with a "Walkaway Joe".)
But hopefully with the new equipment, it won't take me 80 mins of drying time per medium load. For some reason, to me, that sounded a little dirty. Heh heh, you said "load".
(So Dashboard Confessions has the only awesome "Jaimi" song. So much better than Ray Parker Jr's.)
So yeah, no real plans this week except to avoid all semblance of housework until maybe Sunday. Oh, wait, no, I have a softball double header Thursday night. Can I just say? This season, I have sucked less than ever before. And that is saying ALOT. No official strike outs, scored once, covering home plate better... Yeah, so let's hope I can maintain it thru Thursday night.
(Seth Rogan makes me happy. I love the funny guys. And now he's gonna be the Green Hornet? ~Le Sigh~)
And to finish, I need to relax this week. Maybe get a few more hours of sleep, soak up some more sun, and drink a few beers. Cause the girls are back on Monday and they have been wearing me out!
(Flashdance and Footloose soundtracks will forever have a special place in my heart. I always confuse "Take your passion! and Make it happen! with "Take your pants off! Make it happen!")
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A Year Ago...A Year From Now
As stated before, I will blog upon request. This is from my coworker, A.
A year ago...
I had been at my job for a year. I had just received my first bonus and can I just say? DAMN!
Luckily, this was perfect timing, because I had also just closed and moved into my house. 3 bedroom, 2 bath palace. Dang, I love that house.
I also had just ended a long term relationship (about 9 months) and was single again. And technically, I've been single ever since, only having one relationship last longer than 4 weeks. Footloose and fancy free, that is me.
My oldest, B, had just finished 4th grade and was getting ready to be the BIG kid of The Elementary. My youngest, E, finished her first full year of school and made the transistion well. Both girls played soccer and I stepped into Soccer Mom status relatively easily.
I wore glasses and was training to complete 4 half marathons in the next 6 months.
A year from now...
I will be 2 years away from 3 weeks of vacation at work. It will also be the longest I had been at a job...ever. Ha.
My house will have had all of the flooring replaced. And the interior will have been finished being painted. Also, the occupants of the house will have doubled. Me, B, and E plus 3 pets, Raven, Harley & Tyson.
Relationship-wise, I would hope I will have settled down a bit. Although the idea of marriage still makes me twitch, I would like a sidekick... in the sack. Heh.
B may have started puberty by then. Every year this is delayed, I am happy. She will also have finished her first year in middle school, and be heading into 7th. I think I had my first taste of alcohol in the 7th grade... Thinking about this is giving me hives. E will be heading into 4th and may get her first Valentine's card with a gift. I will then take it upon myself to terrify the living hell outta that boy. Gotta stay in practice.
I will have gone on my first cruise and been on foreign land for the first time. Let's hope no one throws me overboard. I will be 35 therefore making the idea of having any more children significantly more dangerous.
...
As for now, I know I have been blessed. With good fortune, good healthy and happiness for me and my family. I just hope I will be as blessed next year.
A year ago...
I had been at my job for a year. I had just received my first bonus and can I just say? DAMN!
Luckily, this was perfect timing, because I had also just closed and moved into my house. 3 bedroom, 2 bath palace. Dang, I love that house.
I also had just ended a long term relationship (about 9 months) and was single again. And technically, I've been single ever since, only having one relationship last longer than 4 weeks. Footloose and fancy free, that is me.
My oldest, B, had just finished 4th grade and was getting ready to be the BIG kid of The Elementary. My youngest, E, finished her first full year of school and made the transistion well. Both girls played soccer and I stepped into Soccer Mom status relatively easily.
I wore glasses and was training to complete 4 half marathons in the next 6 months.
A year from now...
I will be 2 years away from 3 weeks of vacation at work. It will also be the longest I had been at a job...ever. Ha.
My house will have had all of the flooring replaced. And the interior will have been finished being painted. Also, the occupants of the house will have doubled. Me, B, and E plus 3 pets, Raven, Harley & Tyson.
Relationship-wise, I would hope I will have settled down a bit. Although the idea of marriage still makes me twitch, I would like a sidekick... in the sack. Heh.
B may have started puberty by then. Every year this is delayed, I am happy. She will also have finished her first year in middle school, and be heading into 7th. I think I had my first taste of alcohol in the 7th grade... Thinking about this is giving me hives. E will be heading into 4th and may get her first Valentine's card with a gift. I will then take it upon myself to terrify the living hell outta that boy. Gotta stay in practice.
I will have gone on my first cruise and been on foreign land for the first time. Let's hope no one throws me overboard. I will be 35 therefore making the idea of having any more children significantly more dangerous.
...
As for now, I know I have been blessed. With good fortune, good healthy and happiness for me and my family. I just hope I will be as blessed next year.
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