This blog isn't because I feel my encroaching death, nor have I had a brush with mortality. My crow's feet are becoming a little more defined, and everytime I go to the doc now, I have a new ailment, but this has absolutely nothing to with it.
Oh, who am I kidding? This is totally because everytime I meet up with someone I haven't seen in a while, I end up going over all my failing body issues, like an old man. And I'm only 34. Imagine how bad it will be when I'm 44?
So anywho, I saw a snippet of a list and thought, "How fun! I will make one too, you know, since I'M DYING." *sigh* Maudlin much, there, crazy Jaimi? Probably just a bit.
1. I want to dance with an Elvis Impersonator. I'd rather it actually be Elvis, or Bruce Campbell AS Elvis, but I will settle for anyone looking like Elvis. And, of course, a midget Elvis equals bonus points.
2. I want to ride a donkey to the Grand Canyon floor and back. All while sipping colombian coffee. If the guy leading my donkey was also wearing a poncho, even better.
3. Own my own business. Whether it is a coffee shop / bookstore / accounting services conglomeration, or just a high-end brothel satisfying women's fantasies, being large and in charge would be a hoot. Especially if it involved sex or coffee.
4. Spend a month on the ocean. Ideally, it would be a rich, married, Italian diplomat who would have me as his mistress and I would spend at least a month of that time on his yacht. He'd kick me to the curb for having sex with my 22 year old cabin boy, but it totally would have been worth it. That boy knew his business.
5. Write a book. Whether it was a sci-fi fantasy, a smutty romance involving animals and dead people, or a How-To Totally Fuck Up Your Kids manual, getting published would also be a hoot. I just need a little notoriety, so that when people come up to me to ask questions or get directions, I can just pretend they really want my autograph, and just sign something, shake hands and walk off.
6. Going along that little notoriety path, I also would like to perform stand-up. Whether I totally suck and get heckled off the stage, or I rock it, and then develop a debilitating drug habit, it seems like just trying would be awesome. Just need to work my schick. (ba-dum-bum-that's-what-she-said-cheesh)
7. To die knowing that my daughters are happy, successful women satisfied with their lives.
8. To spend a day in a hotair balloon. Even if it is with those old nudists in that one car commercial. All that quiet height and lazy movement? Sounds absolutely perfect. That is until a tornado takes you to a very weird place where you get to be a wizard. Oh, no, wait, that sounds really great too. Especially since there is also a town where there are nothing but midgets, and you are REALLY tall in comparison. Ok, so all day in a hotair balloon with a tornado ride at the end.
9. To get my pilot license. From what every apocalyptic book, movie, fantasy, whatever, in existense states, being able to escape* by plane may be the key to you and your teams survival. And as you all know, I have been working on my zombie plan for quite a long time.
That's it for now. I actually feel younger now, just by completing this list. So the next time I am diagnosed with something that takes away an everyday pleasure (So long, Caffeine, I will missed you until my dying day), I'll add another item to the list.