Dammit, What is This? Morals? Where Did These Come From?

I had a very interesting weekend in the romance department. The current beau and I went to the UNR Homecoming game and had a blast. We finished up and went back to his place, with me fully ready to commit to some naked activities. As we were snuggling on the couch, he started to talk about how he currently has Friends With Benefits.

*screeching record noise*

My first question was, "More than one!?" Followed by, "Do you plan to stop seeing them now that we are getting serious?"

His answer? "No."

I politely bid him goodnight, and left, never to date him again.

It came to pass that there were other factors that would have been dealbreakers, but this is the one I would like to address.

How do people have open relationships?

When I got divorced, and the papers were final, I dated. Many men. At once. And these weren't just first dates, but full on relationships with all the physical aspects involved. I completely whored out for about 4 months.

But I never felt right about it. So I didn't do it again. But there were instances of a man here and there cheating on me. And with the experience I had just been through where I was the cheater, I still couldn't condone it. It struck at a very core issue that I will have, I believe, for as long as I live.

That I'm not good enough.

In a nutshell, in my dream relationship, all my man will ever need is just me. Sexually and emotionally, what I have to offer will satisfy his desires. Simple as that. Perfection is not the goal. I will never live up to perfection or live with the constant striving for perfection.

And what confuses me about open relationships, even when both parties are into it, and the couple makes rules and follows them, is that you are, at some point, still sharing each other. You are watching some other woman pleasure your man, and they are putting that look on his face that you thought was reserved for you. The intimacy that you share is no longer special, between the two of you, but now just associated with the act.

Maybe it is how I perceive intimacy between two people. When I'm with a man, I focus on making him happy. It is a very big part of what makes me get more and more excited. He is like a sounding board for me. I resonate off of him. And I believe if the sex is going to blow your mind, he is as in tune with you.

And I guess this is where you say, if one person is happy, wouldn't two people's happiness make it better? Having never had more than one subject, I can't say. But I do know that being very selfish and not a fan of sharing, the kneejerk reaction to another woman touching my guy?

"Why is he letting her touch him? Aren't I enough?"

As self confident as I have grown to be, this very basic issue I have, slices a little hole into that confidence. It is this little hole in my armor that would never allow me to participate in an open relationship. Another imperfection that defines me. And a trait I will want to look for in candidates of future relationships.