I Love My Body

I know that every single Empower Yourself Self-help Guru says you need to love yourself, and agreeing with them makes me uncomfortable, but I can't help it. Damn quacks are right.

Up until I was about 29, I hated my body. I think it was because as good as it was at producing babies easily, everything single thing was a struggle. Weight loss, orgasms, waking up in the morning - all required WAY too much effort. And looking back, I'm thinking depression had alot to do with it. It is such an insidious disease. But when I had had enough of my life not being what I had always dreamed, I decided to change it.

I started this dramatic change with my divorce. This decision set me back alot, financially and career-wise. Hell, I reverted back enough that I was reliving my late teens. Getting laid off, starting to date men, another first kiss, retaking my driver's test all harkened back to when I was 16.

But one thing I discovered with this dramatic reorganizing of my life, was that I was like clay again. No longer hardening into stone, I was back to being a fluid creature, enjoying the freedom I had denied myself for over a decade.

And every new experience involving my post baby body was daunting. If you think you were nervous about getting naked for the first time when you were 15, imagine how nervous you'd be after 2 babies and an additional 30 lbs. But I also discovered that while I might have hated my body, the men loved it. Gone were the adolescent boys who thought my 125lb frame was ungainly and unattractive and I said a hearty HELLO to the men who, for once, loved my curves. Nothing is more powerful than bending over wearing slightly lacy panties, and hearing nothing but a groaning, "Oh yeah" and then feel hands on you. Gripping his hands hard on your hips, sinking his fingers into your soft flesh and increasing size inside you. Or even after the fun activities, you just lay there and continue getting stroked because your skin is so soft and he can't keep his hands off of you. No room for shyness or hesitancy, only appreciation.

And with each of these successes in bed I had, my self confidence grew. The tiny little platform I was standing on above all the negative emotions in my life, started expanding. Making room at first for both feet, then I could walk around, to where now I only have a few weak spots in the floor that covers all those insecure debilitating emotions. I can walk strong and upright, barely glancing at my feet and live with the assurance that it would take something truly horrible to crack this foundation I've built.