Monday, July 12, 2010

Weekend Musings

As I walked away from the bar that night, fragments of memories flashed thru my mind. His tongue in my mouth and my hand running along the long scar on his chest. Tobacco-laced kisses on a broken hammock, laughter and him saying, “Oh god, I’m coming.” His grandfather’s ring on a chain around his neck hitting my chin as he thrust into me.

I walked away from these memories. Endeavoring to put them behind me, I realized I needed to find another form of escapism. The missing space in my life, this hole, wasn’t going to be filled by a man. Ok, physically, yes. But only temporarily.

What was missing had to be provided by me, for me, in order for me to be as healthy as possible. Something deep in my psyche demanded it.

After a sleepless night running all the various past scenarios in my head, concerned with men, drinking, my health, I finally awoke groggy but resolute. It had to change. I had to change. First things first. Get my house in order. ~sigh~ This is going to take awhile.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I Need A Hug - If You Actually Touch My Chest, I Will Knife You.

I experianced a new first today. I wouldn't say it was a good first. It was a necessary first helping me guaratee my health now and in the future.

I got my first mammogram.

And, boy, was it a doozy.

So I get there, check in, participate in some waiting room magazine reading, get called back. Undress and lock up my stuff in these little lockers. More waiting room magazine reading. So far this is not unlike waiting for a spa treatment. Hell, I am even wearing flip flops.

Finally get called back. Nice older lady. Please place your goodies into this large clamp. Four times. Not bad. I even make the joke, well, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. (JINX!) Go back to waiting room.

Get called back again. They need magnified pics due to some issues. So instead of 4 pics, 2 of each, we now need 4 pics OF EACH. And you can't move. So we will guaratee you won't move by clamping you down so tight you CAN'T move.

At this point you are triggering 3 of my anxiety zones.

1. Crushing pain - I can take piercing, scraping, hell, even burning pain, without responding too badly. Crushing debilitates me.

2. Being trapped. My flight or fight is heavily in the flight. So if I can't flee? Uh uh, not good.

3. Feeling like a victim. This wasn't like a pain I was bringing on myself, so I could rationalize it. It was caused by another human being.

So by the last picture, I was done. If that lady had clamped down on that knob one more time, I think I may have punched her in the head.

But it is good to focus on the fact it is now over, and everything came out clear and healthy. I just hope that my gyn decides I don't have to do this annually. If he does, I am so getting a valium RX beforehand. Cause, DUDE.

Friday, July 2, 2010


Thank god, right?

So I woke up my youngest Thursday morning and she wanted to tell me about a dream she was having.

M - "The kids from Sonny With A Chance were there. And Zack, but not Cody. And Raven, but not my our dog, Raven."

Me - "Sounds like a lot of cool people."

M - "And I was making a bomb..."

Me - "Really? A bomb? What kind?"

M - "I was making a bomb, but you stopped me."

Me - "I'm sure I had to, sweetheart."

M - "No. I said I was making a bomb, but then you asked me a question, and stopped me talking. Now I can't remember."

And that's how I safely averted terrorism in my family. I deserve a medal. YOU ARE WELCOME.

It has been a long kinda crazy week. Monday saw me at the girly doc. I found out I get to start mammograms earlier than scheduled. Like 6 years earlier. I believe it is karma for all of the free shit I've ever gotten with these babies. The universe balances itself. Stupid universe.

And yesterday, my oldest daughter spent all day with me at work. You know how hard it is to surf the 'net with your child going, "Is that for work?" HARD.

Luckily, I get to wear jeans and tees for the next 4 days. I will be heading to Ye Ole Homestead tonight after work. Spend a day in Vegas hitting up movies and eating out. Another day celebrating the 4th. And another day driving back. That is alot of time driving. I am thinking of it as training for my cross country road trip. My ass needs the exercise.

So, I just need to survive today at work. And the driving this weekend. And the family time. Aaannndddd the Beatty Days... Man, I'm going to need a vacation from my vacation. At least I have Monday night to look forward to. Movie on the couch, maybe some wine, and smoochage. This may be the first Monday I have look forward to in years! Viva la Monday!