Post(my what!?)Secret

This is always a fun exercise for those of use that stink at creating artistic... anythings. At postsecret, people make these postcards that have a secret on it. And every week, Frank, posts 20 of them. There are also books and appearances.

Back when Myspace was cool, every week I used to post about which of the secrets really resonated with me. When I looked today, there were 2 that struck a chord.


No. I do not shoplift. But I have noticed since the start of my first pregnancy, that most people didn't see me. To this day, I can do some pretty atrocious stuff, pull some fantastically large pranks and most people won't look my way. I think of it as part of my ninja training. Pretty soon my bid to be the world's greatest assassin will be complete.

Every tunnel I got thru has me holding my breath. And making a wish. And so far? Most of those wishes have come true. I also make a wish at 11:11 and 12:34. This is probably how I will die. I will try for one last wish when I am 117 and die from lack of oxygen.

Hmmm....maybe a little too deep...

Heh.

So here is an image guaranteed to cheer you.

Aren't you cheered?

It is amazing what you can accomplish with a little effort

I am sure you have heard all of the platitudes:

"Things will work out as they are supposed to."
"When you stop trying things happen as they should."
"It was meant to be."

And they are reassuring on the surface. They make you aware of a bigger picture and relieve the stress of facing an particularly difficult, maybe unsurmountable task. Allow you to relax and take a step back. And totally immersing yourself into a bad situation without a plan or an escape route can be detrimental.

Life can throw you under the bus. You can lose your job. Get into a car accident. Be diagnosed with a malignant form of cancer. Lose someone important to you. All thinks bigger than you that make you feel helpless.

But life is hard. I think we forget that. We all live in a cushy environment, and there is not a whole lot that can really keep us from living as we want. No gun-toting militias to pillage and rape in a bid for power. No real lack of food for us and our children. No lack of necessary medical treatments. We are not helpless often. So when we are faced with that, I think we should do as we have always done to get into this cushy life. Fight. Be strong and unsatisfied. And not be deterred at how messy life can get.

I have found the best things I have ever experienced was preceded by at least a modicum of effort. A given example are the births of my children. Never have I ever been so exposed as a human. The process is so intimate, agonizing, and messy. Your civilized facade is ripped away, and you are forced back into the animal-state that we as a people once needed everyday to survive. And yet, once it is done, you get to experience the greatest joy ever holding that child in your arms.

But as an example, it tends to be overused and too feminine. So, let's look at completing a marathon. Not a half marathon, but a full 26.2 miles. You strive for hours to finish something created solely to test you both physically with pain but also exacts a mental toll. There is a reason that less than 1% of the population has done one. And when you have crossed that finish line and handed a medal and offered some basic foods at the end? That is the best damn banana, yogurt, chocolate milk, hell - water that you have ever had. In. Your. Life.

Even a little effort makes anything better. Homemade meals over takeout. Working hard and getting praised for it. Dressing up for a date and noticing that he paused when he first saw you. Foot rubs at the end of a day. These little bits of effort add spice to what could already be good. They make it great.

So, I am sure that is all worked out as it should. But I also tried my damn hardest to make sure it had turned out that way.

What a week...

It has been a pretty normal week.

Last Saturday had me going to thrift stores looking for materials to complete my team's Chic Geek costumes. And as I was leaving the Salvation Army's parking lot, the donation truck decided to drive over me. No injuries, and they were cited, so the damage to my car is covered. But a pretty stressful hour and a half, followed by appraisers this week and schedule for repairs. After the accident, I ran in the Reno Runamuck with my friend, Sarah, my daughter, B and her friend, Maya. It is a 2.5 mile obstacle course. And we finished third...from last. I think because we followed the rules. Crazy, I know, I don't usually follow the rules.

Sunday was Mother's Day, and although I was supposed to stay in bed, I still needed to let the dogs out early. And answer a ton of questions like, "Where's the baking powder?" But I eventually got my breakfast and awesome mom gifts. After I ate the breakfast, I got up and cleaned the GIANT mess made from the girls cooking, and then made them breakfast. A few hours later, I saw them back to their dad's and I spent the rest of the day cleaning. I did have time for a small dinner and movie date, so that was a nice way to relax for the end of the week.

Monday thru today have just been busy with the regular weekly school and work stuff.

All in all, it has been a pretty normal week. And by normal, I mean on-the-verge-of-collapse hectic. It amazes me sometimes what I can accomplish as a single woman with 2 kids. And now that I have been single for almost 3 years and survived what I have so far, I know I am going to make it. Hell, not just make it, but rock it.

There is only one thing I lack.

The end of the day snuggle.

You know what I'm talking about. Everything is done, and you are climbing into bed, or out to the couch and watch a bit of TV or read, and you just want to sidle up and rest your head on a strong chest. Relax against him and maybe give a deep, relaxing sigh. A little time passes, and you debate on who's getting the night, or putting the pets out, or performing the last check on the kids before bed. The night switches off, and you get into your comfortable-for-sleeping positions. Sometime this time can lead to sex, but it comes right back to the closeness of resting together. These are the moments that save a marriage or a relationship. If these moments are there, it is the mortar to your already strong foundation. I do have snuggles, don't get me wrong. But two little girls that depend on me pressed to my side isn't always conducive to relaxation. Because I am providing the comfort.

These are the moments I miss the most in my new crazy life.

Musings

I have issues with depression. I believe most people do to some extent. Mine is pretty much directly related to the weather.

Most of the time, the dance I have with depression is like one of those cotillion sets that involve alot of hands touching, but your partner is never allowed to get closer for proprietary reasons. Except during the month of April. For some reason that's when I find myself dirty dancing with it. I have an intimate love affair based in the constantly changing dance of snow and sun.

The sun's warmth gives me a boost of strength to say goodbye to that fickle dance partner and allows me to just be happy twirling in circles by myself. The heat seeps in and fills me to bursting. The increase in my energy and happiness is tangible. I can honestly feel it.

So April has past, and May isn't as warm as I'd hope, but the sun is up by the time I open my eyes in the morning. And when I get home, it is still out to greet me. And the urge to dance by myself is strong. And I look onward at the encroaching summer with anticipation and excitement.

Wait a minute? When did I lose 20 years and become 14 again?

You know those moments when something blindsides you and blows your insides out? Left field and then BOOM! Where are my guts?

I had a moment like that this weekend. It wasn't pretty nor productive. I actually reverted back to High School frame of mind where all I wanted to do was call the boy who blindsided me... and hang up. Like 50 times. I didn't, thankfully. I kept control of myself, but just barely.

It still amazes me that being in my 30's, I have still have these moments.

Like, will I be 50 and do this too?

*SIGH* I know it will never end.

At 75, I'll be the hottest Betty in the retirement home, and still act like this over a man. Do some light stalking. Ask the nurse if it looked like he'd be coming to the dining room this evening. While he's playing solitaire with himself, or gin rummy with his buddies, I will sit at an adjoining table and fantasize about him. Ogle his 3 hairs and new dentures. All the time hoping that my blue hair is combed and my bright-assed red slipper lipstick isn't on my falsies.

And you know what?

HE STILL WON'T KNOW I EXIST.