There Was This One Time When The Whole School Knew I Went Without Underpants.

Most of you know that I have 2 daughters. And it was imperative to teach my lovely little ladies to avoid throwing out crotchshots. I'm not raising Lindsey Lohans or Brittany Spears...es.

But I didn't want to embarass them by blatantly telling them, "I can see your goodies."

So, as an ever-impressive vocal candidate, I used song to let them know they were exposed, all while preserving their delicate little snowflake egos.

"I see London! I see France!"

This is far as I had to go. They'd pick up on the clue, do a quick readjust, and "Voila!", back to lady status.

(For those of you that are saying at this very moment, "So unlike their mother", I would like to let you know that your intuition is not flawed. Just sayin'.)

So, the other day, I'm getting something out of the van at the bus stop, and I hear giggles behind me. And my youngest's sweet little voice starts singing, "I see London! I see France!". And I continue the song with, "No, you don't, cause I'm NOT WEARING ANY UNDERPANTS!" And then I mooned her. I also happened to moon my oldest. And my oldest's friend Megan. And Megan's sister, Morgan. And their neighbors, Josh and Tim.

As you can imagine the kids thought I was puuurty funny. So funny in fact that at the assembly a few day later, I kept getting the surreptitious finger point and hushed giggles. After the assembly, I was dragged over to meet my girls' new friends and their parents. I actually knew one from a prior jobs. He was kind enough to state, rather loudly, "You are the Commando Mom!"

That'll teach me to forgo the granny panties, even for just one day.

Another Skype Convo Where I Cross The Line, But Honestly Couldn't Help Myself

As I am sure you all know, Skype is a fantastic chatting tool. We utilize it exclusively where I work, since many of our employees are international. But since Skype is also a free tool that many, many people use, you other will have not only your coworkers, but friends and family linked. Yesterday, my coworker, A*, started this chat:

A*: my mom wanted me to ask you (even though i know the answer) if you are looking for a cruise roomie...apparently a single lady friend of theirs is interested in going

Jaimi: No

A*: yeah that's what i said

Jaimi: Or tell her this - I will expect sexual favors from whomever I have bunk with me

A*: ummmm nah you can tell her that

Jaimi: haha

A*: oh look, my mom's on skype...you can tell her yourself
A*: ha

Jaimi: Ok, I sent it to her

A*: oh lord

I did make it a bit more classy than I implied to A*.

Jaimi: Good morning! I'm sorry A*s MOM, but I will be unable to host your friend in my cabin. If i have anyone in my cabin, it will be someone with the proper tools to aid me in further enjoying my trip. And I'm pretty sure your friend lacks those tools.

Jaimi: And by tools, I mean a penis.

A*s MOM: OMG, understood!!

Jaimi: Just so you know. ;)

A*s MOM: I hear you loud and clear!!...it will be fun, maybe you'll meet the man on the cruise...

Jaimi: I won't discount the possibility

A*s MOM: true, things do happen on crusies..unexpected things...

So yet another example of me treating everyone equally. Pretty much as if you really care, which I assume everyone does if it is about my happiness.

Thundercunt!

This curse word is flashburning it's way thru my life. I heard it first on Weeds. And it made me do one of the light nose snuffs kinda lame laugh. Then Ian used it in a post, and I mihgt have even chuckled. But it wasn't until I shared it with my coworkers last week, that it made be seriously laugh out loud. Nothing like have 2 of your girlfriends yell out, "THUNDERCUNT!" like is was one of their favorite WWE wrestler's name.

And I know the *C* word drives people insane, but not me.

I love all curse words.

Every Father's Day, when I call my dad, I wish him a "Happy Motherfucker's Day".
When I screw up at something, I'll say, "Fuck me sideways!"
If someone compliments me, I have to chant to myself, "Don't be a douche and say 'Thank you'".

I swear you would think I grew up with a dad who was a construction worker... Oh, wait...

;-)

So what's your fav expletive?

101 in 1001 - Status Update 08/30/2010

It has been over 2 months since the last update, and I know, I suck. But I marked alot of goals off of the list. Let's see which ones:

13. Donate 4 times a year (2/4) - This was my second this year. Need to not wait 4 months for the next one.

18. Call my mom every month - I did even better and visited 3 times in July.

19. Send out cards on B-days - Sent out my niece's card on Friday for her b-day tomorrow.

25. Attend 5 Artown Events (0/5) - This year was a bust. Mainly because Artown in only in July, and I pretty much spent 3 out of the 5 weekends at my parents' house.

33. Go to 25 Live sporting events (6/25) - Our company summer picnic was at the Aces game. Catered food and a sectioned off grassy knoll for the lot of us made for a fun night.

34. Read 5 new Authors (3/5) - I read Stieg Larsson's Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Loved it.

35. Blog Weekly - Total bust. Making up for it this month though.

43. Make apricot jam from my tree - Whoops, it isn't an apricot tree, but a peach tree. Apparently last year there was too much fruit on the tree, so not alot of it really developed. I pulled alot of it off to save a branch. This summer? Giant oh-so-yummy peaches. Ha.

67. Closet Organziers in every room - Finished the girls' closets 2 weekends ago. Just need to do mine now.

68. Replace the hardware in the kitchen - DONE!

88. Drive across America - DONE!

You know, looking at this? I realized I haven't been as productive as I had hoped. Well, just got to keep plugging along.

My Dog Just Ate A Bird

Not my big dog.

No.

My little one. Harley.

The bird was in my grapes which are kind of low to the ground. And she snuck up on it and brought it down. Which got Raven, the big one, all excited. So they fought over it. There are feathers everywhere. And little bird feet. *Gag*

This was following me watch Harley dry hump the cat. All while the cat was cleaning Harley's ears. I always knew those two were dirty, but good lord. Pet porn is so not my thing. Any animal porn. Blech. I saw a picture of a donkey show once. I will NEVER be able to unsee that. Ever.

Ever ever.

Other things I wish I could forever unsee are dying animals. Saw that this week too. Made a shitty softball double header into a Super Duper Shitty Softball Double Header, when a dog fight between a tiny terrier and a pit bull ended with a dead broken tiny terrier. Haven't had the dying animal situation too often. Few dogs hit by cars. A coyote once where a friend, Justin, had to finish it off with a rock. Poor little wild thing. Had a few pets put down. Hated every moment of each experience.

So picking up slighty chewed bird parts? Effing kill me. But at least my pets didn't die.

They are just murderers.

Bucket List: Because I Don't Have Enough Lists Already

This blog isn't because I feel my encroaching death, nor have I had a brush with mortality. My crow's feet are becoming a little more defined, and everytime I go to the doc now, I have a new ailment, but this has absolutely nothing to with it.

Oh, who am I kidding? This is totally because everytime I meet up with someone I haven't seen in a while, I end up going over all my failing body issues, like an old man. And I'm only 34. Imagine how bad it will be when I'm 44?

So anywho, I saw a snippet of a list and thought, "How fun! I will make one too, you know, since I'M DYING." *sigh* Maudlin much, there, crazy Jaimi? Probably just a bit.

1. I want to dance with an Elvis Impersonator. I'd rather it actually be Elvis, or Bruce Campbell AS Elvis, but I will settle for anyone looking like Elvis. And, of course, a midget Elvis equals bonus points.

2. I want to ride a donkey to the Grand Canyon floor and back. All while sipping colombian coffee. If the guy leading my donkey was also wearing a poncho, even better.

3. Own my own business. Whether it is a coffee shop / bookstore / accounting services conglomeration, or just a high-end brothel satisfying women's fantasies, being large and in charge would be a hoot. Especially if it involved sex or coffee.

4. Spend a month on the ocean. Ideally, it would be a rich, married, Italian diplomat who would have me as his mistress and I would spend at least a month of that time on his yacht. He'd kick me to the curb for having sex with my 22 year old cabin boy, but it totally would have been worth it. That boy knew his business.

5. Write a book. Whether it was a sci-fi fantasy, a smutty romance involving animals and dead people, or a How-To Totally Fuck Up Your Kids manual, getting published would also be a hoot. I just need a little notoriety, so that when people come up to me to ask questions or get directions, I can just pretend they really want my autograph, and just sign something, shake hands and walk off.

6. Going along that little notoriety path, I also would like to perform stand-up. Whether I totally suck and get heckled off the stage, or I rock it, and then develop a debilitating drug habit, it seems like just trying would be awesome. Just need to work my schick. (ba-dum-bum-that's-what-she-said-cheesh)

7. To die knowing that my daughters are happy, successful women satisfied with their lives.

8. To spend a day in a hotair balloon. Even if it is with those old nudists in that one car commercial. All that quiet height and lazy movement? Sounds absolutely perfect. That is until a tornado takes you to a very weird place where you get to be a wizard. Oh, no, wait, that sounds really great too. Especially since there is also a town where there are nothing but midgets, and you are REALLY tall in comparison. Ok, so all day in a hotair balloon with a tornado ride at the end.

9. To get my pilot license. From what every apocalyptic book, movie, fantasy, whatever, in existense states, being able to escape* by plane may be the key to you and your teams survival. And as you all know, I have been working on my zombie plan for quite a long time.

That's it for now. I actually feel younger now, just by completing this list. So the next time I am diagnosed with something that takes away an everyday pleasure (So long, Caffeine, I will missed you until my dying day), I'll add another item to the list.

*"Es-cawp-A!"~ Dory

Holy Crap, It's Been Over A Month, aka I Suck.

It has been so long since I've wrote I almost didn't know how to start. But then I remembered that old adage, that you should just sit down and just start writing. Let the free association free you from your mental incapabilities. So here goes...

I am in the process of making a bet today. I have a friend who's a FedEx driver and earlier today, I sent him a pic of the car I get to drive for the next 2 days. Hint - it is red, compact, 6-speed stick shift and insanely fast, especially compared to Bruce, the minivan.

He replied with a pic of his FedEx truck, essentially saying, "Mine's Bigger."

I replied in a very mature and adult manner. "Suck it, mine's faster!"

He came back with a pretty sweet and totally debilitating response, "I can fit all of the UNR cheerleaders in mine."

Damn. Mine is only fast and probably going to score me a speeding ticket. My only comeback was brutal honesty. "Well, I CAN and WILL go fast. I bet you CAN'T and WON'T get the cheerleaders in your truck."

And, bless his soul, he took the bet.

My greedy little heart is all aflutter. Stipulations are the cheerleaders have to actually get into the back. Photographic evidence is ok, but no photoshop. And he has until 09/30/10. I told him that if he fails to accomplish this task, I get him as a free delivery guy for the rest of the year, as long as he only has to deliver in Reno.

Can you imagine?

NOT having to deliver x-mas gifts myself, and yet not PAY to have them delivered?! Boo-yah!!

He hasn't completely agreed to this yet and my side of the wager is still in the air. So - fingers crossed people!

(Sidenote: It'll probably be like a hard desert rain of blogs in the next few days. Totally flooded by next Friday, I bet. Gotta get back to flexing that muscle.)